Episode 29

full
Published on:

25th Oct 2023

29 | When You're in a Hard Place Emotionally

You are wired to escape pain and seek comfort, and this survival instinct helps you in so many ways! It’s also the same reason you turn to your phone more when you’re struggling emotionally. Today I’ll be sharing 4 steps to use your screens less when you’re going through a really hard time emotionally.

If you liked this episode you'll love being on my email list! Sign Up Here

Transcript
Speaker:

In a lot of ways.

2

:

Life has felt really heavy lately.

3

:

So today I want to talk about managing

your phone use when you're going

4

:

through a really hard time emotionally.

5

:

I'll be sharing four steps

to use your screens less.

6

:

When you're in a tough place emotionally.

7

:

Do you ever find yourself turning to your

phone without even thinking about it?

8

:

Or do you get sucked into

scrolling and regret not using

9

:

that time for something else?

10

:

You are not alone.

11

:

I'm Alex, a Screen Time Mentor for

Young Moms, and I'm here to help you

12

:

get a grip on your own screen time

so you can be present, intentional,

13

:

and live a more fulfilling life.

14

:

Welcome to the Mindful With Media Podcast.

15

:

Before I share those four steps,

remember to give yourself a lot of grace.

16

:

Using screens to cope is very normal.

17

:

And it doesn't make you a bad person.

18

:

As a human, you are designed

to escape, discomfort.

19

:

And this very characteristic

helps you in so many ways.

20

:

For example, because you are wired

to escape pain and seek comfort.

21

:

This helps you do things like eat when

you're hungry and that keeps you alive.

22

:

And his book.

23

:

In distractible, how to control

your attention and choose your life.

24

:

Uh, near I'll teaches.

25

:

All motivation is a desire

to escape discomfort.

26

:

If a behavior was previously

effective at providing relief.

27

:

We're likely to continue using it

as a tool to escape discomfort.

28

:

And smartphones are really

effective at providing relief.

29

:

So you're likely to continue

to turn to them as an escape.

30

:

Smartphones, provide a rush of dopamine

when you're down, they provide a sense

31

:

of connection when you're lonely.

32

:

They provide stimulation

when you're bored.

33

:

More than anything.

34

:

Phones are really good at distracting you

from the emotional pain you're feeling.

35

:

And your phone is most likely, always

nearby, which makes it especially

36

:

easy to turn to when your body is

doing its job of seeking comfort.

37

:

So when you find yourself turning to

your phone, when you're going through

38

:

a really hard time, emotionally, I

remember that this means that your

39

:

body is doing what it's supposed to do.

40

:

It's seeking comfort, which

is a survival instinct.

41

:

So give yourself a lot of grace as you

work through this emotionally rough time.

42

:

But you've probably noticed that

spending excessive amounts of time

43

:

on your phone, or always turning

to your phone as an escape, doesn't

44

:

seem to help your situation when

you're struggling emotionally.

45

:

So, how can you teach

your body and your mind?

46

:

That this is not the

most helpful response.

47

:

I want to start by sharing

a story about my baby girl.

48

:

When she was about seven months old, she.

49

:

Would sleep mostly through the

night, maybe get up once or twice,

50

:

but on one specific night, She

started waking up every two hours.

51

:

And every time she woke up,

I fed her back to sleep.

52

:

After this happened several times,

my husband asked if maybe she would

53

:

need some medicine or something.

54

:

It had not even crossed my mind to think

about why she was waking up so frequently.

55

:

We gave her some medicine, used

some saline drops and sucked

56

:

the mucous out of her nose.

57

:

And after that she slept so much

better and for a much longer stretch.

58

:

As soon as we got curious about

why she kept waking up, we were

59

:

able to treat the real problem.

60

:

When we're feeling an

uncomfortable emotion.

61

:

Like going through a really

hard time emotionally.

62

:

It's so easy to just numb

it by turning to our phones.

63

:

Just like, it was easy to feed

my baby girl back to sleep.

64

:

But mindlessly turning to your phone,

doesn't actually solve the problem.

65

:

And if we can put in a little bit more

effort to recognize what we're feeling.

66

:

Why we might be feeling it and how to

cope with that feeling in a healthy way.

67

:

Then we can treat the real problem.

68

:

Just like what my daughter really needed

was some relief from her stuffy nose.

69

:

So let's get into how you can cope

with your emotions and healthy ways

70

:

instead of turning to your phone.

71

:

Step one.

72

:

When you're about to turn to a

screen, to escape an emotion.

73

:

Or the more likely scenario is

that you're already on your phone.

74

:

Maybe mindlessly scrolling or.

75

:

Buying things or doing something

that you don't really want

76

:

to be doing on your phone?

77

:

Name the emotion that you're feeling.

78

:

There is so much power and just

identifying what emotion you're feeling.

79

:

That's the very first step.

80

:

And sometimes it's trickier

than I might think.

81

:

To figure out what emotion I'm feeling.

82

:

So writing or talking with someone or

just talking out loud helps me to get

83

:

there, to figure out what I'm feeling.

84

:

The notes app on my phone is filled with

brief journal entries of how I'm feeling.

85

:

I also text my husband all the

time, telling him how I'm feeling.

86

:

With no expectation for him to

respond, but it just helps me

87

:

acknowledge to myself how I'm feeling.

88

:

So in order to name the emotion,

you're feeling, say it out loud, write

89

:

it in the notes app on your phone.

90

:

Texted to someone call someone.

91

:

Just figure out a way to.

92

:

Name, what you're feeling.

93

:

The second step is to recognize

the way that your body physically

94

:

reacts is your heart racing.

95

:

Do you feel tenseness in your chest?

96

:

Are you sick to your stomach?

97

:

Are you having shorter breaths?

98

:

And just allow yourself

to feel the feeling.

99

:

When you have the urge to open your phone.

100

:

Or if you find yourself mindlessly

doing something on your phone.

101

:

Pay attention to the craving.

102

:

What does it feel like in your body?

103

:

What's happening in your mind?

104

:

Just keep observing it.

105

:

You can even put your hand on whatever

body part is feeling the most.

106

:

Tents or off.

107

:

And eventually you might find that.

108

:

It fades away on its own.

109

:

It's like riding a wave.

110

:

The third step is to ask yourself,

What is this emotion trying to

111

:

communicate to me right now?

112

:

Maybe you're feeling overwhelmed.

113

:

. And that might be communicating to

you that you have too many demands.

114

:

Maybe you're feeling lonely.

115

:

And that might be communicating

to you that you want to be loved

116

:

and you want to love other people.

117

:

Maybe you feel embarrassed and

that might be communicating to you

118

:

that you care about other people.

119

:

Give yourself a lot of compassion as you

allow yourself to just feel the feeling.

120

:

To feel overwhelmed, to

feel sad, to feel lonely.

121

:

To feel embarrassed, to feel scared.

122

:

To feel, whatever it is.

123

:

I want to note that sitting

with uncomfortable emotions

124

:

takes a lot of practice.

125

:

I don't think anybody is perfect at this.

126

:

It's so easy to think that something

is wrong when we're feeling

127

:

these uncomfortable emotions.

128

:

But it actually means your

brain is working correctly.

129

:

You're supposed to want to be loved.

130

:

You're supposed to care about people

you're supposed to yearn for things.

131

:

You're supposed to.

132

:

Miss people or feel the sadness of loss.

133

:

The fourth and final step is to

ask yourself what you can do in

134

:

that moment to meet your need

instead of escape to your phone.

135

:

So turning to your phone can actually

be one of your coping tools, but

136

:

it should be a small percentage.

137

:

And you need a healthier

coping mechanism to replace.

138

:

Turning to your phone.

139

:

If that's been your primary

coping tool in the past.

140

:

So after allowing yourself

to feel the emotion.

141

:

You find out what you can do in

that moment to meet your need

142

:

instead of escaping to your phone.

143

:

If you were feeling overwhelmed, it

might be best to reach out and ask

144

:

for help or to let go of something.

145

:

Or maybe you could break down the

task that you're supposed to do.

146

:

Into super tiny task and

start with just one of them.

147

:

Or maybe you could set a timer and

just work on whatever you're feeling

148

:

overwhelmed about for five minutes.

149

:

Or maybe you could have a little

dance party for yourself every

150

:

time you do one teeny tiny thing.

151

:

Or maybe if you were feeling lonely,

It might be best for you to seek

152

:

connection in this moment, whether

that's seeking connection with other

153

:

people or seeking connection with God.

154

:

Or even seeking connection with yourself.

155

:

So maybe you could do that by

doing something creative, like

156

:

playing an instrument or painting.

157

:

Some other things that you could

do in the moment, depending on

158

:

what emotion you're feeling.

159

:

And what that emotion needs from you.

160

:

You could take a nap, listen to

your favorite music, read a book,

161

:

journal, paint, play an instrument.

162

:

Do some deep breathing.

163

:

Move your body.

164

:

Go on a walk, do five jumping jacks.

165

:

Listen to a podcast.

166

:

Take a cold shower.

167

:

Rub ice on your neck.

168

:

Hold a cold compress to your face.

169

:

Go outside and feel

your feet on the ground.

170

:

Smell the fresh air.

171

:

Name five colors.

172

:

You can see.

173

:

Go outside and feel the

grass with your hands.

174

:

Call a friend cuddle your child.

175

:

Repeat out loud.

176

:

I am capable of handling

this uncomfortable feeling.

177

:

Use insight timer to do a meditation.

178

:

The possibilities are endless of

things you could do in the moment.

179

:

To meet the need that

your emotion is trying to.

180

:

To get from you.

181

:

And if you want more practical tips

to help, when you are specifically

182

:

feeling overwhelmed, bored, or lonely,

listen to episode 14 of the podcast.

183

:

Where I interview Leslie Alder.

184

:

It's episode 14 and it's

called why you keep looking

185

:

at your phone and how to stop.

186

:

And she shares some really practical

tips for the specific emotions of

187

:

being overwhelmed, bored, or lonely.

188

:

If you're listening to this

and going through a hard time

189

:

emotionally, I'm really sorry.

190

:

Don't beat yourself up for turning

to your phone as an escape.

191

:

Remember that your brain and body

are doing their job of trying

192

:

to escape pain and seek comfort.

193

:

But that there are also other

ways to find true deep comfort.

194

:

That's not only temporary.

195

:

And that's by allowing yourself to

feel hard emotions so that they can

196

:

communicate important information to you.

197

:

The steps that we talked about today

that will help you use screens less when

198

:

you're going through a really hard time,

emotionally, our first name, the emotion.

199

:

If you're about to turn to your

phone as an escape, or if you realize

200

:

that you're numbing an emotion.

201

:

While you're on your phone.

202

:

Then put in words, the emotion you're

feeling, you might have to journal or

203

:

talk to someone or text someone or talk

out loud to yourself or your kids to

204

:

figure out what you're actually feeling.

205

:

Step two was to recognize the

way your body physically reacts.

206

:

Take time to identify where the

urge is coming from in your body.

207

:

What sensations do you feel?

208

:

You can even touch those parts of your

body Step three was to identify what the

209

:

emotion might be trying to communicate

to you Be super compassionate towards

210

:

yourself as you realize that this emotion

is probably highlighting some important

211

:

information It could be highlighting

that you have a lot on your plate or

212

:

That you're the kind of person that

really cares about people And the fourth

213

:

and final step was to choose one thing

that you can do in that moment instead

214

:

of escape to your phone How you respond

to your emotion will depend on what

215

:

emotion you're feeling But i like having

a few go-to things that i can do when

216

:

i'm having a hard time like go on a

walk take a nap or call my sister And

217

:

you could even put a few coping ideas

somewhere you can see like on your fridge

218

:

or on the lock screen of your phone

219

:

We're in this together and i'm here

for you I hope you have a wonderful

220

:

week and i'll talk to you next week

Next Episode All Episodes Previous Episode

Listen for free

Show artwork for Mindful with Media

About the Podcast

Mindful with Media
This is the podcast for entrepreneurial moms who want to grow a meaningful, profitable business without sacrificing their other priorities (like spending time with their kids or getting enough sleep).

Host Alex Fales—business coach, mindset mentor, and mom—shares honest conversations, simple strategies, and powerful mindset shifts to help you and make money doing work you love and grow as a person while you're at it.

Expect solo episodes, authentic chats, and real-life stories that help you blend business strategy with personal growth, so you can build a business that supports your life (not the other way around).

Because you don’t need more hustle.
You need clarity, confidence, and the courage to do business your way.