42 | 9 Tips to Be More Present
I believe being fully present is the key to feeling true happiness. In this episode I share some of the benefits of being present along with 9 practical tips to help you be more fully present.
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Transcript
I've coached nearly 100 women about their
screen time, and here's what I've learned.
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:Women actually don't care about their
screen time, they care about those things
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:that are impacted by their screen time.
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:Their ability to be patient with their
kids, the growth of their business,
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:having time to pursue their creative
dreams, their relationship with their
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:husband, the inner peace that they feel,
their confidence in themselves, their
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:connection to the world, their ability
to Connection with God, their friendships
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:not missing out on their kids' childhoods.
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:I'm Alex and I'm here to
help you find inner peace.
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:Enjoy true fulfillment
and be fully present.
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:Welcome to the Mindful with Media Podcast.
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:Hi welcome.
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:Aye.
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:Recently have had a little nudge
to take a break from social media.
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:So I'm taking this week off of social
media and it's felt really good.
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:Two.
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:Just kind of check back in and have some
space so that when I do get back on.
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:I'll be in a better place to
use it more intentionally.
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:And.
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:You might've heard me talk
about this before that.
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:I believe that social media fast
are little breaks from social media.
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:They can be really helpful
every once in a while.
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:I'll get a little nudge to take some
time off, but they're not enough.
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:And if you've ever taken a break
from social media and then got
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:back on and found that you
fell right back into old habits.
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:Feel free to sign up for a free
coaching call and I can help you.
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:Get back on social media.
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:And actually have the break
from social media that you took.
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:Be effective as you implement
social media back into your life.
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:Yesterday I was studying about what
it means to be happy and just kind of
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:writing down some of my thoughts about.
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:What I believe happiness is.
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:And as I was writing down my thoughts, I.
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:Noticed that.
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:Well,.
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:I'll just share some of the
notes that I, I wrote down.
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:I wrote.
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:I believe happiness includes deep peace.
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:True satisfaction.
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:Hope.
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:Contentment feeling fulfilled.
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:I wrote down some moments or
times that I've felt truly happy.
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:Walking outside with Matt and the
kids while the sun was shining.
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:Watching woman.
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:B.
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:Taught and inspired and.
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:Discover truths for their specific
situations during coaching calls.
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:Watching my kids play with
each other and make each other
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:laugh and just love each other.
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:The feeling I have after a
good long run with friends.
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:Chatting with friends in the mountains.
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:Hiking and God's beautiful creations,
especially when I'm with my kids.
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:And friends.
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:Listening to beautiful, inspiring music.
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:Allowing myself to feel that.
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:Deep emotions that I have.
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:Journaling about something that
I'm feeling really sad about.
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:So, yeah, those are some of my.
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:My thoughts that I wrote about
happiness and what I noticed with.
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:Each of these points,
there was one common.
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:Similarity.
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:And that was that.
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:Happiness.
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:And my understanding of happiness
and experience with happiness.
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:Involves being fully present.
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:And even like those last examples that I
realized that I actually do feel happy.
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:When I'm experiencing.
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:What can be termed as negative
emotion or hard emotions like sadness.
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:And so what I believe about all
of these points is that happiness
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:involves being fully present, you
know, Those experiences when I was
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:with my husband or my kids or friends.
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:I was all there.
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:I was.
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:Engulfed in the experience.
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:And so I believe that.
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:The more that we can be
fully present in our lives.
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:Whether that's doing fun, happy things
with people we love or whether that's.
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:You know, experiencing some really hard
emotions, but allowing ourselves to
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:be fully present for those emotions.
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:That's when we feel true happiness and.
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:Satisfaction and deep peace and.
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:Hope and fulfillment and contentment.
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:It comes from being fully present.
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:And so that's why today I want
to talk more about how to be
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:fully present and just more about
this concept of being present.
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:So almost a year ago now we were
visiting my in-laws in Wyoming.
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:And my father-in-law was at work and
my mother-in-law was at an appointment.
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:And my husband was out
to lunch with a friend.
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:Both my kids were napping, so I was
home alone at my in-law's house, and
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:I was hoping to get some work done.
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:But I opened my laptop and I
couldn't connect to the wifi.
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:And I tried to find my phone so I
could ask my husband and we're in
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:laws about how to connect to the wifi.
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:And I realized that I had left my
phone in the car that my husband took.
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:So I had no way of contacting anyone.
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:And I kept trying to think of
productive ways to use this time.
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:But I wasn't at home, so I couldn't
work on any of my house projects
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:or my never ending to do list.
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:And I didn't have my phone with me,
so I couldn't do anything on there.
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:Like create social media posts or
read scriptures or anything like that.
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:And I didn't have my book with
me, so I couldn't read anything.
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:And so I literally just sat
with my thoughts, doing nothing.
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:And it was that experience
that made me realize that.
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:It's not that.
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:Addicted to our phones
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:as much as we always want to be doing
something because it is hard to be bored
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:and this can even apply when
you're doing one thing, like
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:brushing your hair or watching a
movie or playing with your kids.
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:While simultaneously trying to
multitask by scrolling on your phone
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:at the same time or trying to do.
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:Something else at the same time.
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:And.
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:I found that this is
totally true for all of you.
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:I.
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:Reached out.
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:A few months ago and asked what made
it hard for you to be present and.
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:This is what you shared.
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:Some of the things that you said
of what makes it hard for you to be
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:fully present are your own thoughts.
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:, clutter in your home, . Your to-do
list forever running in your head.
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:Anxiety, stress.
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:Feeling like you need to
get so many things done.
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:So you have to double up on some things.
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:Lack of energy feeling
overwhelmed or stressed.
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:There's so much on your mind.
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:You're always thinking of what's next.
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:You want to take pictures and
videos, but you feel like that also
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:takes you away from the experience.
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:Sometimes the experience
itself is overwhelming and
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:you feel the need to escape.
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:At the end of the day, you're just tired.
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:You're constantly thinking
about what needs to be done.
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:You just have so many thoughts anytime
you're with your kids or outside.
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:That's when you have
the best business ideas.
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:Uh, anxiety, everything
that needs to get done.
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:Your phone.
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:Wanting to be productive.
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:Anything that's a distraction.
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:Your giant to do list screaming at
you to get things done all the time.
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:Thinking of what you should be doing.
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:You get bored, your mind races
with all the things you could be
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:doing, but it's usually chores.
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:You're never ending to do list, wanting
to enjoy the moments because time flies.
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:And Chris' thoughts about if
you're acting normal or yourself?
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:Getting bored or you feel lazy if you're
not doing something that feels productive.
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:You're never ending to do list that you
want to get done bored with the present.
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:So many things on your mind, numbing
to avoid uncomfortable emotion.
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:Okay.
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:So it sounds like we all have a lot
of similarities of what makes it hard
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:for us to actually be fully present.
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:I think the biggest things
that I noticed were.
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:The rented to-do list.
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:Like your mind racing.
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:And what you should be
doing or could be doing.
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:Um, feeling bored with the present.
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:Racing thoughts.
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:So being present means that
you're focused and engaged.
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:In the here and now you're not
distracted or mentally absent.
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:And our phones are an obvious
distraction that pull us from being
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:focused and engaged in the moment.
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:But they also impact the way that our
brains work so that even if our phones
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:aren't available, We still expect that
constant stimulation that we're used to.
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:So later in this episode, I'll talk
more about practical ways to deal
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:with this because the reality is.
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:We do live in a world of.
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:Phones.
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:And I, you know, if you've listened to
this podcast for a while, or especially
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:my first episode, I love my phone.
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:I'm so grateful for a phone and I don't
want to get rid of my smartphone, but
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:there are some practical things that we
can do so that we can be bully, present.
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:While still living in the
age of the smartphone.
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:But first I want to start by talking
about the benefits of being present.
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:And.
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:This was probably.
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:I don't know, close to a year ago now.
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:But I decided to set a phone
boundary that I wouldn't use my phone
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:whenever I was feeding my baby girl.
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:And I just wanted to cherish that time
that she was a special little baby
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:and I wanted to feel closer to her.
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:And so anytime that I fed her, I
left my phone in the other room.
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:And the interesting thing was that.
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:I, I made this change because
I wanted to feel close to her.
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:But.
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:So many other good things happen.
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:When I did this, I spent anywhere
from 15 minutes to an hour
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:every night in the dark silence.
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:As I fed my baby to sleep.
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:And I like to be productive.
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:I think many of you can relate
to this, that you have this
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:never ending to do list.
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:You always like to no, how
you can be most efficient, , et
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:cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
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:So to just sit and do nothing
and I would feed her to sleep.
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:And so she wasn't really engaging with me.
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:Like she was just falling asleep and so
she wasn't looking at me or anything.
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:And so it kind of felt like
this was a waste of time.
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:Like I could have been.
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:Creating reels for my business, or I
could have been responding to texts
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:or I could have been responding to DMS
or writing in my journal on my phone
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:or meal planning or making a grocery
list or reading my scriptures, which.
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:They're all, those are
all good things to do.
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:But I just, instead I did
nothing except sit and think.
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:And I found that when I
had this quiet time too.
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:Do nothing.
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:And be fully present for that moment.
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:I was so much more efficient and
productive in my work at other times.
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:And I just had so many ideas for
work and for my life and for a
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:specific parenting challenges.
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:And.
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:I volunteer at church.
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:And so certain.
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:Situations there.
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:And I just felt more calm
and peaceful in my life.
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:And I just felt that like deep
love and appreciation as I
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:watched my baby fall asleep.
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:And of course I got bored and I
got antsy and I would find myself
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:turning to my watch to see if
it could somehow entertain me.
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:But overall, the benefits of
being present for this experience
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:far outweighed everything else.
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:So research shows that.
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:When you are more present,
it's easier to manage stress.
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:And.
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:When you practice being present.
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:This makes it easier for you
not only to deal with something
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:stressful that happens right then.
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:But you're also better able to cope
with stressful things that happen later.
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:So whether that's that same
day or even in the future.
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:Another benefit of being present.
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:Is it can help reduce
anxiety and depression.
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:And this totally makes sense.
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:Right?
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:Like anxiety is typically a future
oriented response, the third benefit that
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:I want to touch on of being fully present
is that it strengthens relationships.
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:And.
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:There is research that shows that
just having a phone face down on
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:the table makes it less likely
for a conversation to get as deep.
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:So the results of the study said
if either participant placed a
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:mobile communication device on
the table or held it in their hand.
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:During the course of the 10
minute conversation, the quality
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:of the conversation was rated to
be less fulfilling compared with
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:conversations that took place in
the absence of mobile devices.
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:So even just even if like no
notifications come in, even if.
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:Like the phone is face down.
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:Just having it there is
associated with The conversation
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:being less fulfilling and.
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:You're not likely to go as deep.
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:Okay.
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:So now that we've covered some
of the benefits of being present.
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:You're better able to handle stress.
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:It can help with anxiety and depression
and it will strengthen relationships.
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:Let's get into some practical tips.
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:That can help you to be fully present.
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:So the first tip that I want to share is.
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:To declare your efforts as enough.
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:And
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:a lot of, you mentioned that you
have a never ending to do list.
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:And I think we can all relate to that,
that any stage of life you're in, whether
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:you're a mom or a business owner, Or.
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:Someone who.
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:It's just a human being.
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:There are always more things you can do.
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:And so ultimately it's up to you
to declare your efforts as enough.
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:And.
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:Declare when you're done.
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:And that concept has been really
helpful for me if I find myself
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:having a hard time being present
with whatever I want to do, I'm
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:still ruminating on something else to
declare that what I've done is enough.
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:The second tip that I want
to share is to remember.
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:That your value doesn't
come from your productivity.
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:I think it's really easy to be
present with whatever we're doing.
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:Because we're basing our value.
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:On something else that we think we
should be doing, whether that's.
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:Cleaning the house or doing laundry or
doing something for our business or doing
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:something that we deem as productive.
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:We might subconsciously be
placing our value on that thing.
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:And so you can listen to
episode 40 of the podcast.
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:Where I talk more about
internalizing your inherent devalue.
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:And remembering that your value
doesn't come from those things.
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:The third tip that can help you too.
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:Actually be more fully present.
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:Is to change the language that
you're using around certain things.
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:I hear about this concept all the time of.
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:Don't go to bed with your house.
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:Messy.
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:And.
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:I used to think, like I have to
go to bed with my house clean or.
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:My house must be clean before I go to bed.
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:But just shifting that language to.
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:I prefer to go to bed with my house
clean, or I prefer to go to bed.
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:When I've cleaned the kitchen.
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:That subtle shift is so powerful.
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:In how we treat that thing, that it's
okay to want something a certain way, or
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:to prefer to do something a certain way.
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:But if you believe that it must be
that way or it has to be that way.
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:It's going to be a lot
harder for you to be present.
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:When you're not doing that thing
or when that thing isn't done.
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:And so just shifting that mindset of.
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:Prefer something to be done
rather than that thing must
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:be done or it has to get done.
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:The fourth tip that can help
you to be fully present.
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:Is to ask yourself.
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:Am I prioritizing the right things.
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:And genuinely just take some time to
ponder that and journal about it, of.
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:What matters to you and are your
actions and the way you spend your
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:time, the things you think about.
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:Aligned
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:with the priorities in your life.
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:And then.
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:If you can have that clear for
yourself, it's a lot easier to be
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:more fully present for those things.
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:When you remember that
those are your priorities.
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:The fifth tip is to ask yourself, what
does your future self think about this?
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:I think it's so easy to get caught
up in the here and now, and like
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:the one moment that you're in.
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:And so.
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:To feel really worked up or overthink
but if you can just take a step back
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:and ask yourself what your future self.
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:Thinks about this current situation.
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:It's often easier to kind of let
things go a little bit and see the
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:picture and be more fully present
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:Okay.
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:Another thing.
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:That helps me to be more fully
present is to ask these two questions.
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:One.
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:What is giving me energy.
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:And the second question,
what is draining my energy?
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:Sometimes we put all of our energy
towards certain things that are
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:actually just draining our energy.
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:And so we don't have anything left.
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:For those things that really matter to us,
that we want to be totally present for.
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:And then once you figure out what's
draining your energy and what's
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:giving you energy, you can make
some changes in your life so that
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:you can be more fully present.
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:. The seventh tip that can help
you to be more fully present.
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:Is.
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:To make a decision.
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:So.
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:Sometimes
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:when I don't have a clear
idea of what I'm doing.
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:I will try to.
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:Clean the house and try
to play with my kids.
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:And then I'm like, oh, maybe we
should just get out of the house.
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:Cause we're going crazy.
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:And so my mind is kind of racing on
what we should do and I'm, I'm really
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:not present cleaning the house.
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:I'm not present for that activity.
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:I'm not present with my kids.
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:Because I'm thinking about what
would be the best thing to do.
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:And so it doesn't feel good.
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:But when I'm in that moment and I
realized that I'm just kind of like.
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:Fluttering around of like what I should
do, like path cleaning in the house.
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:Half of my kids, if I
can just make a decision.
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:Okay right now, I'm
going to clean the house.
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:I can be way more present for that.
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:And of course my kids are
still around and it might be
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:a little chaotic and crazy.
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:But.
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:At least I know.
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:And I can communicate to my kids.
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:Right now I'm cleaning the kitchen
or whatever it is or the opposite.
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:Maybe I just decided.
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:I'm going to declare my efforts.
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:As enough, and I'm making the decision to.
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:Go to the park and I'm going to
be fully present at the park.
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:Just making that decision instead of.
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:Tossing and turning about what we should
be doing can help you to be fully present.
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:And also I love., Kendra
DACI she wrote the book.
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:The lazy genius way.
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:And she has a podcast
called the lazy genius.
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:And she talks about deciding once.
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:And so.
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:Instead of every day wondering,
okay, how should I spend my time?
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:You can just decide.
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:Okay.
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:This is how my schedule goes.
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:Every morning, I go take my kids
on an outing and we go do something
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:fun and I'm present with them there.
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:Then.
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:During nap time, my son, his quiet time.
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:And I'm fully present with my own things.
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:I'm not trying to be present with him.
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:And then.
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:After nap time, we have certain things
on certain days, but I have designated
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:things and same with my nights.
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:I have certain nights for
housework, certain nights for.
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:My coaching business, certain nights for.
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:Self care certain nights for,
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:my connection with God.
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:Anyway, it's just having that
decided once that I don't have to
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:wonder every night what I'm going
to do and kind of bounce around.
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:If you can just decide once it's
way easier to be present with
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:whatever you've decided to do.
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:. Another tip that can help you
to be fully present is two.
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:Set and protect boundaries.
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:Around things that are important to you.
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:So I had this experience where
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:several months ago, maybe as
a year ago now, I don't know.
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:But
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:matt.
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:And I had decided that there were some
certain chunk of time on Saturdays
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:that I could have devoted to my
business to work on my business.
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:But I wasn't.
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:Holding those boundaries
around my time to work.
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:And so.
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:It, it wasn't always
happening that time to work.
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:And what I found was that.
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:Because my time wasn't
protected for work on Saturdays.
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:I would always find myself pulling
my computer out during the time that
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:we had designated as family time.
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:And so I was trying to like
work and be with the family.
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:And I wasn't present for either one.
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:And so it can be really helpful to
set boundaries both around,, for me,
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:family time and work time and really
hold to those boundaries so that you
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:can be fully present for whatever
one you're you're deciding to do.
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:Right then.
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:Another tip that can help to help you be
fully present with whatever you're doing.
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:Is to notice your
thoughts without judgment.
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:I think.
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:Sometimes we think like, well,
if I'm going to be present, I
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:can't think about anything else.
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:But.
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:Our brains are designed
to think and to ponder.
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:And so.
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:If you're aware of mindfulness
at all, you've probably heard
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:of this concept of when you.
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:Have a thought coming in.
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:You just think of it as like
floating down a river, you know,
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:just let thoughts come and go and
just notice them without judgment.
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:And not.
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:Panicking about certain
thoughts that come.
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:And kind of with that one of, you
mentioned that you always have the
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:best thoughts for your business,
whenever you're wanting to be
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:present or when you're outside.
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:I choose to believe that thoughts that.
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:Matter and ideas that matter
and are really important.
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:My business will come back to
me when I'm in a good place.
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:And so if I'm trying to sleep or
if I'm with my kids outside, or if
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:I'm just in one of those moments
where I really, really want to
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:be in that moment, truly present.
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:If I have a thought come for my business.
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:I say a little prayer and ask God to.
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:Remind me about that idea.
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:Another time when I can write it down.
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:That may or may not work for you.
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:And it's not like you had to be
super strict about that, but, but
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:that has helped me to just choose to
believe that those ideas will come
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:back when when I'm ready for them.
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:And they do, I really do
have those ideas come back.
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:Okay.
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:The last tip that I have for you.
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:To help you to.
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:Be more fully present is to.
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:Just choose small amounts of time.
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:I think.
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:It's a little overwhelming to think.
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:Okay, I'm going to be fully present with
my kids for this three hour chunk of
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:time just set a timer for five minutes
and be all in for five minutes and
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:then move on to whatever you're doing.
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:I think it doesn't have to be so.
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:So big, I think it's actually
more effective to be.
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:More present for smaller amounts of time.
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:In fact,
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:You might've heard of this.
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:Popular idea of the nine most
important minutes of your child's day.
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:So this is the three minutes after
they wake up the three minutes
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:after they get home from school.
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:And the three minutes
before they go to bed.
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:And the idea is that you are
totally and completely focused on
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:your child for those nine minutes.
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:And.
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:Well, it doesn't necessarily
need to be those specific times
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:or that specific amount of time.
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:This principle is true, that there
is so much power in being completely
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:present for a short period of time.
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:Rather than partially present for a longer
period of time, whether that's with your
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:kids or your spouse or your friends.
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:The quality of your time together often
matters way more than the quantity.
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:I remember the specific experience
where we were playing outside
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:as a family in the backyard.
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:And we hadn't really made
a clear plan for our day.
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:It was a Saturday.
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:So Matt was home from work.
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:And I was not all there because
I was thinking about all the
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:things I wanted to do that day.
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:But as soon as Matt and I checked
in and we were like, okay, let's
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:play for five more minutes and then
we'll go inside and make a plan.
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:Then I was better able to.
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:Be totally present and have
fun with my husband and my kids
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:and it's just so much easier to.
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:Set things aside.
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:When.
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:You know, there will be an end or, you
know, you can come back to those later..
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:So just as a recap for the, the
tips that we've mentioned today,
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:Declare your effort as enough.
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:And you can even ask
yourself the questions.
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:Do you believe your effort is enough?
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:Do you declare it as enough?
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:Remembering that your value
doesn't come from productivity.
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:Changing the words you used
from must and need to prefer.
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:Ask yourself.
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:If you're prioritizing the right things.
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:Ask yourself, what your
future self thinks about this?
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:Ask yourself.
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:What's giving you energy and ask
yourself what's draining your energy.
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:Just making a decision about what you're
doing and what you want to be present with
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:and even better, if you can decide once.
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:And kind of just as a one
more example with that, I.
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:Used to feel so guilty about.
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:Having downtime or taking a little break.
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:When there were still other
things that needed to be done.
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:Because I knew that those are the
things needed to be done and I wanted
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:to get them done, but, I also want
to downtime, but now that I have
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:like a really specific schedule.
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:I don't feel so guilty
because it's planned.
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:Um,
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:And kind of similar to that set
boundaries around those things
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:that are most important to you.
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:Notice thoughts without judgment.
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:And then choose to be present
for small amounts of time.
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:And you can even set a timer to make
sure that you and whatever you're
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:wanting to be present with, or the
people that you want to be present with.
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:Are on the same page about that?
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:, I really do believe that
being truly and fully present
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:brings such joy and happiness.
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:And to me, it's.
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:It's a key point to, to
experiencing happiness in this life.
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:I'm so grateful that
you would listen today.
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:I.
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:Hope you have a really.
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:Happy week as you try to just
be a little bit more present
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:by applying one of these tips.
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:And.
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:I'll talk to you next week.