37 | Make Radical Changes WITHOUT Setting Goals

Speaker: 00:00:00

I'm a very naturally driven person.

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I love to improve.

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I love the concept of self-help

and I'm guessing if you're

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listening to this podcast that

you're that kind of person too.

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And because of this, I handle new

year's resolutions very differently

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and really just goals in general.

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Which basically means I don't

really make resolutions and I

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don't set goals in the typical way.

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And in this episode, I'll be sharing

more about what I do instead to

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change and improve as a person.

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Do you ever find yourself turning to your

phone without even thinking about it?

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Or do you get sucked into

scrolling and regret not using

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that time for something else?

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You are not alone.

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I'm Alex, a screen time mentor for

young moms, and I'm here to help you

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get a grip on your own screen time

so you can be present, intentional,

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and live a more fulfilling life.

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Welcome to the Mindful With Media podcast.

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Hey there, friend, if you haven't

already, would you send me a message?

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You can either DM me on

Instagram or email me.

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My email is alex@mindfulwithmedia.com.

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And just introduce yourself.

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I would love to get to know you better.

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That's one of my favorite parts

about this business is connecting

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with you on an individual level.

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, Before we get into the topic

today of how to actually

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change and improve as a person.

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Without setting goals in the typical way.

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I want to share about a

workshop that I'll be holding.

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Um, Thursday, January 4th.

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And it is all about how to make

radical and powerful changes.

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But.

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In a peaceful way.

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In a way that actually lasts.

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So if you've tried getting a better

grip on your phone use, and then you

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fall back into old habits, or if you

do well for a while, whether that's

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with exercise or eating habits or.

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Being patient with your kids

and then real life happens.

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Yeah.

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There you get sick or your kids

get sick or your kids start waking

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up in the night or something

traumatic happens in your life.

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And you just kind of slowly fade

out of whatever you set out to do.

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Then this workshop is for you

again, it's on Thursday, January

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4th, and there's a link to sign up

in the show notes and it's free.

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Okay.

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Let's get into today's topic.

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So.

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When I was just about

to start fifth grade.

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So what was I?

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10 years old?

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I typed up a schedule for myself on our

family's desktop computer, I printed

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it off and I hung it up in my room.

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6:00 AM wake up.

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Six.

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Oh 5:00 AM.

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Run-on treadmill 6:35 AM crunches 6:45 AM.

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Family scriptures, 7:00 AM,

shower, and get ready, et

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cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

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I love a good schedule.

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I love a good routine.

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I love to improve as a person.

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But my morning schedule as a fifth

grader lasted for about two weeks before.

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I slept in and I stopped working out,

which honestly, I don't know if I should

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have been working out as of his Gator,

but I share all of this to say that.

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I now take a very different

approach to setting goals and

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working to improve as a person.

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Because.

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I have enough drive and desire and

external pressures to make changes

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that I intentionally don't set goals.

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So with the new year coming.

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It can be.

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A time to reflect a time to think

about the upcoming year and.

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What you want to do in this next year?

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But I really do think one of

the most important steps is to.

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Notice what you've already done

and who you've already become.

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So before I even think about the future,

I love to reflect on this past year.

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And here's why.

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In a study done about a group of

people trying to quit smoking.

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Researchers found that

the addicts beliefs.

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About their powerlessness.

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I was just as significant in determining

whether they would relapse after treatment

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as their level of physical dependence.

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So, let me say that again,

in like normal person terms.

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Basically these.

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People who were addicted to smoking.

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Their belief about if they

could quit smoking was.

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More powerful.

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Then how dependent their body

actually was on the nicotine so.

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This applies to you and to me

as we're making goals, because.

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If you believe that you've

already changed in radical ways.

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Or if you believe that you've

already accomplished amazing things,

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or if you believe that you've

already become a better version

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of yourself, you're actually more

likely to change in radical ways.

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In the future.

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You're more likely to accomplish

amazing things in the future.

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You're more likely.

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To become an even better version

of yourself in the future.

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So to reflect on the past year, I like

to think about the things that I've

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accomplished, who I've become things

I've learned, memories I've made.

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And relationships that have grown.

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And it's interesting as I do this

because the things that I accomplished,

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I ran my first half marathon post kids.

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I spent 500 hours outside

in a span of six months.

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I started a podcast.

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I significantly increased my

income from mindful of media.

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Those things all sound good on

paper, but the things that stand

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out to me the most are the memories

that I made with people like.

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The first time I took

both of my kids hiking.

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This summer when I went to silver lake

with a couple of friends, I'm like

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getting emotional, thinking about it.

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It was stunning.

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And I found, I felt like

I found myself again.

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I found my love of the outdoors again.

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Um, some other memories

that come to mind are.

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Laughing with Matt while trying to

fall asleep at night, taking my kids

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on walks around the neighborhood

while talking with my mom and sisters

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on the phone, just processing.

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The ups and downs of life.

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It's so easy to get caught

up in what we've done, but.

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I think if you take time to

reflect, you'll find that you

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have little tiny moments that

really mattered more than most.

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And I know that's so cliche, but.

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It's true.

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And the other thing that stands

out to me more than those things

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that I've accomplished is who

I've become in this last year.

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In many ways, like I said, I feel like

I've found myself again this year.

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I'm more confident.

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I've started operating

from a be do have mindset.

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And I'll share more about

that later in this episode.

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But.

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My mindset around money has shifted and

that has had a huge impact on my business.

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And overall, I just feel so abundant.

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So some questions that you can ask

yourself to reflect on this year.

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And I say this year, but honestly,

sometimes I think a year is too long.

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You could reflect on this season

or this month, or even just

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this week or just this day.

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So, but some questions

that you can ask are.

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What are some of my favorite

memories from this year?

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Who have I spent time with this year?

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What did I learn about them?

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What did I learn about myself this year?

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What are some lessons I learned this year?

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What positive qualities would I

use to describe myself right now?

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What are some things that

I'm glad I did this year?

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What are some things I

accomplished this year?

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Identify times when you felt the most

fulfilled and satisfied in the last year.

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So after taking some time to just

reflect on what you've already

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done and experience and who you've

already become, then you'll be in a

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better place to do the second step.

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And that is to stop setting

goals and start dreaming instead.

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As I mentioned earlier, I really

don't like goals in the typical way.

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Would that be use them?

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I don't like smart goals.

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But does that stand for again?

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I think.

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Specific measurable.

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Attainable, Relevant and time-bound.

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I do.

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Understand why those are good things, but.

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Instead of setting these.

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Smart goals.

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I like to dream.

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And if you have a practical brain

like mine, it's really easy for me to.

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Start thinking about the future

or wishing for things, but I never

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really let those wishes be an actual

reality and a real dream for me.

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They're just wishes just, oh,

that would be nice or something.

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And it's almost like my brain is

protecting myself from being disappointed.

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And there's actually a term for

this called the upper limit problem.

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And gay Hendricks.

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He wrote a book called the big

leap and I have not read it.

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But I think it's in this book that

he teaches about this concept.

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And basically this upper limit

problem is this idea that in each

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area of our lives, whether that's our.

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Career or the amount of money we have, or

our relationships with other people or.

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The amount of love we feel,

or just success in general.

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That we have this.

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Like perceived cap on how much we

are allowed to have as an individual.

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And.

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One of my favorite ways.

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That I've recently found to try

to break these upper limits that

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I subconsciously have for myself.

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Is.

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To take some time to journal and answer

some prompts that I got from Amber Smith.

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And these two questions are.

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Really powerful.

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If you take the time to answer

them, the first one that Amber.

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Shares, that you can answer is if

anything were possible, what would I love?

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Isn't that just fun to think about.

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And I took some time to.

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To write that if anything were

possible, what would I love?

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And I wasn't going to do this,

but maybe I'll share some of

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my, things that I wrote down.

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Let's see.

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Some things that if anything

were possible that I would love.

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Because your mind will

start to protect yourself.

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You'll say, well, You know, money gets

in the way or my situation right now with

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my kids or whatever situation it is like.

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As soon as those start to

come up, just like, Nope.

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If anything were possible,

what would I love?

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And these are some

things that I wrote down.

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I would love to speak at retreats.

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I would love to.

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Frequently ski as a family.

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I would love to randomly

and anonymously send people.

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Door dash gift cards.

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I would love to randomly and

anonymously drop off money to people.

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I would love to be the go-to

person for personal phone use help.

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I would love to run the Boston marathon.

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Those are just a few of the things that

I wrote down on my list of if anything

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were possible, what would I love?

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So another question that Amber suggests

that you can journal about to help

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your mind get into this dreaming mode.

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And break those upper limits.

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Is wouldn't it be cool if wouldn't

it be cool if whatever it is, and

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you don't have to be married to these

ideas, it's just letting your mind.

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Dream and, and.

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Break those upper limits that you

might subconsciously have for yourself.

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The final thing that I want

to share today, about how I.

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Change and improve as a person.

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Is once I've let myself go into

this dreaming mode and I've started

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to break down those upper limits.

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Then I start operating

from a be, do have mindset.

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And this is something that I also

learned from Amber Smith, but I believe

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that Stephen Covey is the one who

originally made this idea of popular.

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And this concept is that

most people operate.

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Either from do have B or have do B.

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So this first one people

who operate from do have be.

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And I would say, I am prone to this,

that it's this idea that if I do more

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or if I do this, then I'll have more

or I'll have something and then I'll

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be happier or I'll be whatever it is.

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And this is why I think I don't

like traditional goal setting

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is because it stems from this.

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Do have B mindset where if I do this,

then I'll have this and then I'll be this.

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If I.

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Do.

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Workout every day, then I'll have a

healthy body and then I'll be fulfilled.

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Right.

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So that's one approach that I think

most people use that approach do

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have B another approach that a

lot of people use is have Doobie.

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So this is where people say,

once I have more time, or once I

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have.

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The house to myself, once my kids are

older or once I have a house with more

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space or once I have whatever it is.

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Then I'll do.

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Whatever it is, and then I'll be happy.

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Right.

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So I think another example with that.

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Have to be, would be like, Once I have.

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This much revenue in

my business, then I'll.

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Start donating to certain causes.

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And then I'll.

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B.

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Satisfied and fulfilled with my business.

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I don't know.

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Those are just some examples, but.

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Most people operate

from either do have be.

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Or have, do be.

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But powerful change happens when you live

your life from a mindset of be, do have.

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So , how you do this is you'll

look at your list from the

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second point that I touched on.

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Where you wrote down with some of your

dreams or wouldn't it be cool if , and

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then think about how you would feel, how

you will feel when that's your reality.

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Will you feel.

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Piece, will you feel fulfilled?

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Will you feel.

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Calm, will you feel joyful?

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Will you feel connected?

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How would you feel when you

interact with your kids?

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When that's your reality?

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How would you feel while

you're doing your dishes?

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When that's your reality?

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And then.

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Practice being that way now

that's the first step is to.

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Be fulfilled, be abundant, be calm.

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Be joyful.

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As if that's already happened.

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And that will naturally

impact what you do.

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Which will bring you the

results that you actually want.

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That's how you operate from be, do

have, and I was actually just coaching

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a client on this topic and they

shared that we weren't even working

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on phone use stuff like that was.

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Uh, we you'll find that when you work

with me, one-on-one that you might

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come to me because you want help with.

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Your phone use or media use or things

that I talk about regularly, but.

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That honestly kind of goes

to the side because of this.

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So this client shared with me that.

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Once they started living with

a be do have mindset there.

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Desire and their tendency to.

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Regularly, watch YouTube videos

has completely gone away.

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And if you're interested in

working one-on-one with me, I

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actually have openings right now.

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So you can reach out to me and

see if that would be a good fit.

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But this concept of be, do have,

will really help you to change

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who you are instead of change.

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Just what you do.

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These are just a few of my many thoughts

on this topic of making radical changes

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in your life, which is why I invite

you to join me and the free workshop.

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Thursday, January 4th, and a replay will

be sent out if you can't make it live.

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And we'll be touching on

some really powerful things.

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Like I said, how to make radical

and powerful changes in your life.

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In a way that feels

peaceful and true to you.

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And I'll include the link in the show

notes for how to sign up for that.

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Thanks so much for being here.

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If we aren't already.

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The friends.

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Can we be friends.

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Will you just send me a message?

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And I really would love to connect

with you as an individual instead

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of just talking to my microphone.

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Thanks so much.

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And we'll talk with you next week.