Episode 38

full
Published on:

24th Jan 2024

38 | When Someone Close to You is Struggling

It is hard to know how to navigate supporting people and being empathetic while also enjoying the good parts of your own life. In this episode I share the things I've been learning on what to do when someone close to you is struggling.

Transcript
Speaker:

Do you ever find yourself turning to your

phone without even thinking about it?

2

:

Or do you get sucked into

scrolling and regret not using

3

:

that time for something else?

4

:

You are not alone.

5

:

I'm Alex, a screen time mentor for

young moms, and I'm here to help you

6

:

get a grip on your own screen time

so you can be present, intentional,

7

:

and live a more fulfilling life.

8

:

Welcome to the Mindful With Media podcast.

9

:

I just finished playing ponies with.

10

:

The my two year old and now I

get to record a podcast and.

11

:

I'm just thinking about.

12

:

My life sometimes I can't believe that.

13

:

I get to.

14

:

Do it all.

15

:

I feel like I get to have this.

16

:

A thriving business.

17

:

And I get to spend time with my

kids and play ponies with them.

18

:

Anyways.

19

:

It's really fun.

20

:

And I'm just feeling really

grateful that this is my life.

21

:

It has been a minute.

22

:

I took a few weeks off of the podcast

with the start of the new year and kind

23

:

of figuring out where I want things

to go with my business for this year.

24

:

But I am back and ready to release

new episodes every Wednesday.

25

:

And today we're talking about something

that feels really close to my heart.

26

:

And so we want to be really sensitive

as I'm talking about these things today.

27

:

And that is this idea of what to do when

someone really close to you is struggling.

28

:

And.

29

:

I am the type of person that.

30

:

If I'm not aware.

31

:

I tend to take on the

emotions of anybody around me.

32

:

I've always been very sensitive that way.

33

:

I remember one experience in particular.

34

:

As a little girl, I was riding

the bus home from school.

35

:

And.

36

:

There was a little boy and somebody else.

37

:

I said something kind of unkind to him.

38

:

And I remember just going home

that day and just crying and

39

:

crying and crying, feeling so

sad that he was treated that way.

40

:

And I think this is a strength

in a lot of ways to be able to.

41

:

Feel empathy, and to be able to

be empathetic for people, but

42

:

I've also realized that if I'm

not aware of this, about myself,

43

:

It can also negatively impact.

44

:

Other parts of my life.

45

:

Where I can't.

46

:

Enjoy the good parts of my life,

because I'm always mourning for other

47

:

people or feeling sad or trying to

make other people's problems go away.

48

:

Because I care about them and

I really do care about people.

49

:

So.

50

:

Today, I'm going to be sharing about some

things that I've learned on my journey of

51

:

how to be an empathetic person and really.

52

:

Care for people and support

people who are struggling.

53

:

While also finding your own joy

in the good parts of your life.

54

:

And not letting that Rob you

of the amazing experiences that

55

:

you're having in your own life.

56

:

When my kids are.

57

:

Playing with toys.

58

:

For example, like when my

son B who's almost three is.

59

:

Playing with his trains and he

gets frustrated that it's not

60

:

doing what he wants it to do.

61

:

It's really easy for me to want

to jump in and fix it for him so

62

:

that he'll stop feeling frustrated.

63

:

And this is just a small example,

but I've noticed this in.

64

:

Almost every relationship in my life when.

65

:

Somebody close to me is struggling.

66

:

Whether it's in a small way, like

trying to build a train track

67

:

or really big and heavy ways.

68

:

It's really easy for me to want

to try to jump in and fix those

69

:

problems and just make them go

away and make that person be happy.

70

:

But I've realized that.

71

:

That's not my true goal in life.

72

:

Like for myself.

73

:

When I look back at my life,

I realized that the times and

74

:

experiences that I've grown the most

and learned the most and become them.

75

:

Best version of myself is often when.

76

:

I am doing something that

might be a little bit hard or

77

:

I'm experiencing emotions that

might be a little bit difficult.

78

:

And.

79

:

So for other people, for people

that I care about and that are

80

:

close to me, I want to allow them

that same experience to be able to.

81

:

Grow and become and change.

82

:

And I believe that happens.

83

:

Through things that might

seem uncomfortable and

84

:

might seem like struggle.

85

:

And so I've really tried to

internalize that when someone's

86

:

close to me as struggling that.

87

:

It's okay.

88

:

In some ways to allow that struggle.

89

:

Something that I believe, and I talk

about a lot is allowing all emotions.

90

:

I think that's something that as

a society, we're getting a lot

91

:

better at, like there used to be

92

:

that song, if you chance to meet a

frown, do not let it stay quickly.

93

:

Turn it upside down and smile.

94

:

That found no way.

95

:

And.

96

:

I don't believe that anymore.

97

:

I believe in allowing yourself

to frown and feel sad.

98

:

And I believe there's a lot of good that

comes instead of just like stuffing away,

99

:

bad emotions, allowing those emotions.

100

:

There's another episode coming

out about this in a few weeks,

101

:

but also if you listen to

102

:

episode 29.

103

:

So that's about.

104

:

When you're in a hard place emotionally,

and I share four steps for what you can

105

:

do personally to allow those emotions

and move through them instead of just.

106

:

Pushing them to the side, or

just letting them overtake you.

107

:

So that's one thing for me to

allow all emotions for myself,

108

:

but it's a whole nother thing to

be able to allow other people.

109

:

That same privilege of

allowing all emotions.

110

:

My husband, Matt went through

this period of time where he

111

:

was really in a hard place.

112

:

He was really feeling down.

113

:

And.

114

:

It wasn't a hard time for me because.

115

:

On those days when he was feeling sad.

116

:

I wanted to just make him happy.

117

:

I found myself.

118

:

Trying different things subconsciously

to just make him not feel sad anymore.

119

:

And then I realized that I

was not living aligned with my

120

:

values, that I really value.

121

:

Allowing him to.

122

:

Feel that emotion to

feel that sadness and.

123

:

Process that instead of

just making it go away.

124

:

And I think this is the same with my kids.

125

:

you know, when they're.

126

:

Having a tantrum when I don't let them do

something, it's really easy for me to want

127

:

to give into that tantrum so that they'll

stop crying or they'll stop feeling

128

:

whatever hard emotion they're feeling.

129

:

And with all of this, like I said, I've

had to do a lot of inner work to see

130

:

if I'm really okay with all emotions.

131

:

And When my kids are crying

and it's starting to feel

132

:

overstimulating to me, the loud crying.

133

:

Sometimes, I just want to make them stop.

134

:

Just.

135

:

Stop crying, whether that's giving in

to whatever they're crying about or.

136

:

Just telling them to stop, but.

137

:

That's not allowing all emotions

and you know, I think with that

138

:

overstimulation, I can step away.

139

:

I can say, Hey, I need

a break from this noise.

140

:

I can go outside.

141

:

It's okay if you cry, but

I need a break from this.

142

:

I think that's a different thing,

And, there are also tools that you

143

:

can teach them in that moment for

how to cope with their emotions.

144

:

But as far as just like wanting

to make them stop crying or make

145

:

them stop feeling frustrated.

146

:

Or just make it go away.

147

:

Is not allowing all emotions.

148

:

Like I, I believe is important

for myself and for other people.

149

:

And so I think the more that we practice

allowing all emotions for ourselves and.

150

:

Coping with our emotions in healthy ways.

151

:

It actually becomes easier.

152

:

To allow other people around us,

whether that's our kids or husband

153

:

or close friends or family members.

154

:

It becomes easier to allow them

to feel those feelings because we

155

:

know that they're going to be okay.

156

:

And that feelings are

actually helpful if we.

157

:

Work through them in healthy ways.

158

:

And so I think a lot of.

159

:

The his work of what to do when

someone close to you is struggling,

160

:

is to figure out where you're at

with what are your thoughts around.

161

:

Having hard days or having.

162

:

Big emotions or big feelings like for

yourself, are you okay with those?

163

:

And the more you're okay with

it for yourself, then it becomes

164

:

easier when other people are

experiencing those things as well.

165

:

And I think as part of that

inner work that I've had to do

166

:

to allow other people's emotions.

167

:

The good emotions and the harder emotions.

168

:

I've had to realize that I can still

feel happy and I can still embrace the.

169

:

Good.

170

:

Parts of my life.

171

:

When people close to me are struggling.

172

:

And this is something that

I have worked through a lot.

173

:

In therapy.

174

:

It's not better

175

:

if I'm.

176

:

Miserable and also suffering because

somebody close to me is suffering.

177

:

Me being in a good place.

178

:

Isn't, what's causing somebody else to be

struggling with the things that I have.

179

:

My husband, Matt, like I said, he went

through this period of time where he was.

180

:

Just to really down.

181

:

And I started feeling really guilty.

182

:

That I was in such a good place.

183

:

I love my life.

184

:

I.

185

:

Was having so much fun with our kids and

with friends, I was feeling so fulfilled

186

:

in the work I do with one-on-one coaching

and with these trainings and with my

187

:

podcast, with mindful with media, I

was feeling so fulfilled in my work.

188

:

I was feeling so.

189

:

Connected with God and

myself and our kids.

190

:

I just was in a really good place.

191

:

And I started feeling

really guilty about that.

192

:

I subconsciously thought that

somehow it would be better for him.

193

:

If I was also really sad which from a

logical standpoint, you can realize that

194

:

that's not what's best for everyone.

195

:

If I'm in a really good place and

I feel fulfilled and happy and

196

:

connected, and I'm having all of

these amazing experiences as life.

197

:

I.

198

:

Em in a better place

to support someone who.

199

:

Struggling.

200

:

That's close to me.

201

:

I'm able to.

202

:

Listen to them and validate them.

203

:

I'm able to offer solutions from.

204

:

A.

205

:

A good mental space.

206

:

I'm able to physically serve

them, whether that's through.

207

:

Taking on more household tasks or offering

to watch someone's kids, you know?

208

:

It's actually better for everyone.

209

:

If you embrace.

210

:

The good parts of your life embrace

that you are in a good place

211

:

I think I somehow thought that

because I loved my life and was

212

:

experiencing all these good things

that he wasn't experiencing that.

213

:

It was my fault that he was.

214

:

Not enjoying life.

215

:

Like I was, and I, I have a tendency

to do that, , that I don't do as

216

:

much as I used to, but I just had

to notice, I had to catch myself to

217

:

make sure I wasn't subconsciously

putting unnecessary blame on myself.

218

:

Just because I'm experiencing something

that somebody close to me wants or

219

:

doesn't have doesn't mean it's my

fault that I have that good thing.

220

:

And they don't just because

I have a happy marriage.

221

:

Doesn't mean that.

222

:

I'm the reason somebody else doesn't have

a happy marriage, just because I have.

223

:

A family with kids doesn't mean I.

224

:

Um, the cause that somebody

close to me doesn't have a

225

:

family with kids just because.

226

:

I have.

227

:

A job that's fulfilling and

that I love and that I'm making

228

:

the money that I want to make.

229

:

Doesn't mean that.

230

:

I'm the reason that somebody close

to me, isn't also experiencing that.

231

:

And this doesn't mean that

you don't have empathy or.

232

:

Care about that person.

233

:

I think that's why we're

talking about this.

234

:

It's because we do care about those

people, but it's just remembering.

235

:

You enjoying these things is

not the cause of that person.

236

:

Not having those things.

237

:

And one way that I do that inner work is.

238

:

Through.

239

:

Realizing that I can only control myself.

240

:

I cannot control whatever

the circumstance is.

241

:

I can't.

242

:

You know, make my husband have a new job.

243

:

I can't.

244

:

Make my son stop feeling frustrated.

245

:

And like there are things I can

do that will influence that, but

246

:

ultimately I can only control myself.

247

:

And so just focusing on that, that.

248

:

I have to kind of just surrender

and let that control go.

249

:

So once I've gotten to a

place where I realized that.

250

:

My happiness and my joy and

the experiences in my life.

251

:

Are not.

252

:

Dependent on.

253

:

Other people and how they're feeling.

254

:

Then I feel like I'm in a better

place to support them and help them.

255

:

Because I'm not so.

256

:

Desperate for them to be happy because

I'm putting my happiness in the control of

257

:

them when I'm not so desperate for then.

258

:

To not struggle anymore.

259

:

It's ironically easier for me to

support them in their struggles.

260

:

And I think kind of

just back on that note.

261

:

Sometimes I subconsciously

think that somehow.

262

:

If I'm.

263

:

Struggling or I'm also experiencing

whatever hard thing they're experiencing.

264

:

It'll make it better for them.

265

:

I've kind of misunderstood that,

that that's what empathy is, but I

266

:

don't believe that's what empathy is.

267

:

I don't believe just because someone

else is going through a hard time.

268

:

You also have to go

through that hard time.

269

:

I think you can feel really good

about where you are and your life.

270

:

And you can.

271

:

Have empathy.

272

:

For them and support them

and love them through that.

273

:

So when I am in a good place for this.

274

:

Some things that I like to do one, I

like to ask them the specific question.

275

:

Are you in a problem solving mode

or are you in a venting mode?

276

:

And when Matt, my husband when he

was really down and in a hard place.

277

:

Whenever he would bring things up.

278

:

Aye.

279

:

Was always jumping to solutions, just

like in that there's that video where

280

:

the wife has a nail in her forehead

and., she keeps complaining like,

281

:

my sweater is keep snagging when I

put them on and I have this pressure

282

:

in my head and he's like, well,

you have a nail on your forehead.

283

:

And she's like, it's not

about the nail anyways.

284

:

I feel like it was kind of like

that, where I was like, I wanted to

285

:

go straight to solving the problem.

286

:

And I thought that I was

listening and validating.

287

:

Enough.

288

:

And then I was ready to.

289

:

Move on to solving the problem,

but he expressed that he felt

290

:

like , I wasn't listening.

291

:

I didn't really care.

292

:

And so then I started using this question.

293

:

So the first time I used

this, he was talking about

294

:

something and I was ready to.

295

:

Offer a solution.

296

:

And I remembered this

and I just said, Are you.

297

:

In a problem solving mode or

are you in a venting mode?

298

:

And he responded that he didn't know.

299

:

And then just was kind of quiet.

300

:

So then I just kind of left it and we

didn't have any more of that conversation.

301

:

And then later that day he came to

me and he was ready to problem solve.

302

:

And he expressed how helpful that question

was for him to figure out for himself.

303

:

Was he.

304

:

Ready to problem solve, or was

he still just needing to event

305

:

and process and be in that mode?

306

:

And so I think it can be

really helpful to just ask the

307

:

person that you're talking to.

308

:

What they need, are you wanting

me to just listen and validate,

309

:

or are you wanting me to help you

talk through the solutions and.

310

:

I offer help.

311

:

And just to make sure that you're

both on the same page there.

312

:

Another thing that can help me to stay

in a good place when I'm wanting to

313

:

support somebody that is struggling.

314

:

Is when I.

315

:

Want to help.

316

:

Whether that's.

317

:

You know, through offering solutions or

through some type of service, , Making

318

:

lunch for my husband or bringing a

dinner to a friend or things like that.

319

:

I always ask myself.

320

:

Am I helping because I want to support.

321

:

Or am I helping because I'm trying to make

them happy or make the problem go away.

322

:

And this might sound like kind

of the same thing, but in my

323

:

mind it feels very different.

324

:

When I am helping because I love

someone and I care about them and I.

325

:

I want to support them.

326

:

It's not trying to control

them or the situation it's just

327

:

offering because I love them.

328

:

Whereas sometimes I can find myself.

329

:

Serving because.

330

:

Again, more out of trying to control

the situation, or I need them to

331

:

be happy or I want to make them.

332

:

Happier.

333

:

I want to make this situation better

and that force doesn't feel good.

334

:

It doesn't feel right.

335

:

So, I guess, just to kind of recap on

some of my thoughts on this topic of.

336

:

What to do when someone

close to you is struggling.

337

:

So that you can still enjoy and embrace

all the good parts of your life.

338

:

And.

339

:

Support them.

340

:

The first point was to.

341

:

Stop trying to make people's

problems go away or try to

342

:

make people feel a certain way.

343

:

And to do that, you might

need to do some inner work.

344

:

To make sure that you really are

okay with allowing all emotions.

345

:

The other point that I talked about

was that you can still feel happy and

346

:

enjoy the wonderful parts of your life.

347

:

Wow.

348

:

Someone close to you is struggling

and not enjoying those things.

349

:

That doesn't make you a bad person

and it won't do you or them any good

350

:

for you to stop enjoying those things?

351

:

And then finally I touched on some.

352

:

Some tips to actually support

people that are close to you.

353

:

One asking them that question.

354

:

Are you in a problem solving mode

or are you in a venting mode?

355

:

And then just asking yourself

before serving someone.

356

:

Am I doing this because I want to

support them and show my love for them.

357

:

Or am I doing this because

they want to make them happy

358

:

or make this problem go away.

359

:

This is something that I'm still

figuring out and working on.

360

:

So I would love any.

361

:

Thoughts you have on this topic of.

362

:

What to do when someone close

to you is struggling and I'm

363

:

starting something new this year.

364

:

Called.

365

:

What do you think Wednesdays?

366

:

Actually, I have no idea what it's called.

367

:

I just made that up on the spot.

368

:

But.

369

:

Wednesday.

370

:

I will be.

371

:

Holding discussions about whatever

the podcast episode was about that

372

:

week in my stories on Instagram.

373

:

So if you're not already

come follow me on Instagram.

374

:

And we'll be talking about this topic

and having conversations about this.

375

:

Thank you so much for listening today.

376

:

And I will talk to you next week.

Next Episode All Episodes Previous Episode

Listen for free

Show artwork for Mindful with Media

About the Podcast

Mindful with Media
This is the podcast for entrepreneurial moms who want to grow a meaningful, profitable business without sacrificing their other priorities (like spending time with their kids or getting enough sleep).

Host Alex Fales—business coach, mindset mentor, and mom—shares honest conversations, simple strategies, and powerful mindset shifts to help you and make money doing work you love and grow as a person while you're at it.

Expect solo episodes, authentic chats, and real-life stories that help you blend business strategy with personal growth, so you can build a business that supports your life (not the other way around).

Because you don’t need more hustle.
You need clarity, confidence, and the courage to do business your way.