Episode 45

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Published on:

20th Mar 2024

45 | Risk Taking and Building Emotional Resilience in Children // with Stacey

Stacey Sillitoe is a Certified Occupational Therapy Assistant and a mom to one daughter. In this episode, we talk about why risk-taking is important for kids, how to foster and allow risk-taking in children, what we can learn from children and how they experience the world, how we can help our children to learn how to regulate and develop emotional resilience, and how we can foster a slow childhood in a world that seems to hyper-focus on productivity.

Helpful Links:

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Transcript
Speaker:

I've coached nearly 100 women about their

screen time, and here's what I've learned.

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Women actually don't care about their

screen time, they care about those things

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that are impacted by their screen time.

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Their ability to be patient with their

kids, the growth of their business,

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having time to pursue their creative

dreams, their relationship with their

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husband, the inner peace that they feel,

their confidence in themselves, their

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Connection with God, their friendships

not missing out on their kids' childhoods.

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I'm Alex and I'm here to

help you find inner peace.

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Enjoy true fulfillment

and be fully present.

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Welcome to the Mindful with Media Podcast.

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I'm so excited that I have Stacey

here to talk with us all about

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risk taking in children and

building emotional resilience.

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So Stacey, will you go ahead and

introduce yourself a little bit?

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Hi, Alex.

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Yeah, thanks for having me on.

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So my name's Stacy.

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I have a degree as a CODA, so Certified

Occupational Therapy Assistant.

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I'm currently not in practice but

I want to maintain my license.

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Just to kind of keep up and then also if

I do decide to, you know, go back to work

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at any point, I can and then I'm also a

mom and a wife , a mom to one daughter.

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I love that.

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And how old is your little girl?

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She's four.

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Awesome.

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Thank you so much.

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I, I just find that you are so wise just

about life in general, but especially

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about these topics that we're focusing

on, not only as a mom, but like you say,

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also as you're with your background in

occupational therapy and you've given me

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a lot of advice and help with my kids.

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So I thought we could share

your wisdom with the world.

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So I wanted to just start out

with this idea of risk taking,

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and why do you believe that risk

taking is so important in children?

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Well, I think just kind of jumping

forward and kind of focusing on my life

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now, kind of with that idea, I don't

know, I think I didn't have as much risk

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taking opportunities as I wanted to.

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And so I think kind of.

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Looking at my life now and not

seeing deficits, but seeing areas

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that I guess could improve on and

it's so much harder to improve on

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them now that it was as a kid.

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So, you know, just kids

can only take so much risk.

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Yes, of course.

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You know, running into

a street is very risky.

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And they need parental

safety and boundaries.

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But I think within certain limits

risk taking is so important for their

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development of their brain, of their

cognition, and then also just building

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relationships and creating that, that

boundary with, with other people.

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So I read somewhere that, like,

you know, specifically dads,

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but I'm sure mom can do it too.

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Just the kind of the rough house play

and how, how good and healthy it is.

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Cause it sets, it sets those boundaries

and that limit, you know, like the, we'll

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just say the dad, for example, the dad

can express like, Hey, that's too much

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or that's too hard or that's too rough.

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So they kind of know like, okay, I want to

play with my dad and I want to be rough.

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But I need, I need to simmer it down

a little bit and so just like those,

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those boundaries and how, how to play

with other kids cause yeah, at a certain

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age they can't really verbalize certain

things and, and then also just kind of

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the aspect of, of strength and resilience

you know, like jumping off of a tree.

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Or climbing a tree and then, you

know, jumping off, they might

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realize, okay, maybe that's too high.

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So let me jump a little shorter.

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And so they, they build that strength and,

and the opportunity to kind of figure out

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like where, Where do I want to be in life?

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Like, how do I, obviously,

I don't want to get hurt.

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That's not fun, but I want to play,

and I want to explore, and I want to

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be creative and so parents can help

in that, but I feel like if kids can

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be given the opportunity to do that

on their own with limited direction or

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instructions, It can help them even more.

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That is so fascinating and

it totally makes sense.

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I remember learning, I think this

was in college when I was taking

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like a finance class of some sort,

but we were talking about like

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helping your kids learn about money.

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And one of the principles that

they emphasized was allowing your

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kids to practice when they're young

when the consequences are small.

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And so, yeah, like you want to learn how

to manage money or with anything, like you

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say, like physical things or other things

too, when those consequences are small.

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Because if you don't learn when they're

small and you, you haven't had that

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experience, Yeah, that practice to

kind of figure out, yeah, what hurts?

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What, what's too high?

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What's too rough?

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Then when you're adult and you're

learning when the consequences are a

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lot bigger, it's a lot more painful

when you mess up than if you, yeah,

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fall off a bench or something like that.

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And then kind of going along that same

line, but I heard somebody, I think

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she was an occupational therapist

or in, in therapy of some sort.

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But she kind of called it like

a kid being in a container.

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So similar to like the bubble but I mean,

just taking like a kid's first year of

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life, you know, they can be wrapped in

a swaddle, in a car seat, in a swing.

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I mean, they, they literally can

spend most of their life in something.

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And to a certain degree, absolutely.

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That is very healthy.

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But I think also to a certain degree,

kids just need a blanket and floor to be

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able, you know, maybe, maybe a toy or, I

mean, even probably a colorful blanket.

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And just the floor, just an

opportunity to, to move their body

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and to figure out how it works.

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I think that's one of the many things,

but one of the coolest things From

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occupational therapy education is

just breaking things down into tasks.

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And then how, how to assist somebody,

okay what part of the step is there a

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deficit that we can come in and help?

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And even just looking at, you know,

a baby on a blanket, like having them

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move their body and crossing midline.

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So, yeah, so going from one side of

the body to the other or figuring

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out how to roll and how to crawl.

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All right.

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They are making huge developmental gains

and their brain, every, everything that

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comes in through any sense is new to them.

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And they're building

new neural connections.

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And so I think the more we can give kids

an opportunity to explore their body.

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Through movement, through

sight, through, you know, taste.

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We're, we're helping them to build

the neural connections, even though

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to us, it's second nature, you

know, like what's the big deal,

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you know, laying on the ground.

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But to them, so many

things are new experiences.

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Yeah, that's so fascinating.

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Just as we were talking, yeah, about,

they were talking about this risk

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taking it makes me think of last week

I took my kids to the park while we

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go to the park like every day, but

we were at a park last week and my

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little girl, so she's 17 months old.

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She was trying to climb up this ladder

and it was like pretty big spaces between

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the, like the rings of the ladder.

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I don't know what those are called,

but It was making me really nervous.

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I was like, she is going to fall.

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And so I went to go like, try to help her.

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And she was not happy about that.

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She was like, and so I was like,

okay, like, I can't watch this

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because this makes me nervous.

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Like, I don't want to watch you fall.

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So I'm just going to walk away.

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And like, I just didn't watch it happen.

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And then she got up all by herself.

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And like, I don't know, I think it's

just so easy as the parent to like,

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worry about the consequences, you

know, of like them getting hurt.

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But sometimes with that, , we don't allow

them to do what they can do or, or maybe

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she would have fallen and that's okay too.

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I don't know.

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Like it's okay for kids to get hurt.

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I think with that, with fear, like

certain things, yes, there needs to

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be a certain level of, of fear or

consequences with, but I think other

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things, like somebody had mentioned

like a snake, fear of snakes.

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You know, a kid's not born

with a fear of snakes.

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Kind of the adult figure was

like, stay away from snakes.

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And so I'm trying to figure out

like, what's my balance of like

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with nature, things in nature.

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And you know, teaching my little

girl what's, what's maybe not okay

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to play with and what totally like,

she loves bugs and insects and dirt.

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And, and so I want.

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And I want her to foster that, you know,

even when we go to different places and

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there's like we had a library visit,

and they they came and brought some

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animals, and she was like, Yeah, I think

just barely three at this point and

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he called for volunteers and she was

so excited to go up to the room and

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she had no idea what she was going to

hold or what she was going to see and

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you know, she was a champ about it.

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And then another little girl, I

think she was probably like seven.

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Once she saw it, she's

like, nope, I'm okay.

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That older, yeah.

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I was totally fine with it.

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So trying to, and I, and I get it.

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Not every kid is like that.

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And you, you definitely want to

help them foster their strengths.

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But I think if she is okay with that,

even though maybe I'm not okay with that,

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for me personally, like helping her.

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Yeah.

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I mean, he said that's

safe, so we're, we're cool.

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Like just following the instructions

of how to, you know, pet the reptile.

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Yeah.

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So trying to, to embrace her

strengths versus instill that fear

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when it doesn't need to be there.

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Totally.

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Totally.

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I love that.

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So kind of along those same lines, we've

kind of been talking about this, but what

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are some examples of how adults can foster

and allow risk taking in their kids?

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I think one of the main things that

pops into my head is kind of the

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mental health of the parent amongst

many, but I think that helps and how

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I'm working on my mental health as

I'm raising my daughter and what

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qualities do I have that I'm trying

to work on that maybe I, maybe I don't

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like as much, or maybe that I'm working

on, like maybe, you know, different.

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For example, stress, you know, different

stressors of, Hey, how can I really work

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on my stresses so that she's not getting

secondary stress and like, Oh, okay.

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When this happens, you're

supposed to be stressed out.

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I'm like, okay, well

that's not what I wanted.

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And so I think just like being aware of

it and kind of sit and kind of like, you

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know, what you've talked about in some of

your other episodes, but sitting with it.

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Being aware of it and not

shunning it or, oh, that's bad.

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Like, but accepting it, Hey, this is who

I am right now, but I have the power to

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change and to become better in steps.

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And it's different for each parent.

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But I think giving kids the

opportunity to make mistakes.

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I think I grew up in a kind of

household that mistakes were bad

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and it was a failure and you weren't

succeeding if you were making mistakes.

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And I think with that mindset, I've

been able to shift and figure out

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like, no, in the times that you're

not like succeeding or not doing.

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You know, perfection or the

expectation at that time you're

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growing and you're learning to

become better at what you want to be.

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And you're not, you know, like

you're not born with, okay.

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Like the first time I started swimming,

I'm just going to be this pro swimmer.

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Like, that's just not how life works.

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You have to learn the mechanics

and like, you have to learn,

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Hey, you're doing it this way.

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Try doing it this way instead.

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Yeah.

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So, yeah.

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I love that shift in that mindset of like,

yeah, not viewing mistakes as bad, but.

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Embracing those mistakes.

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And cause when you view them as

bad, then you avoid doing things

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that you might make a mistake at.

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It actually reminds me when I

was in, I think junior high this

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family that I would go skiing with.

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They had a, I don't know, rural or

like If you fell, I think it was

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at least three times or something.

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They had some number.

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If you fell at least a certain number

of times, then at the end on our

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drive home, you got to get a treat

at the gas station or whatever.

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And it seemed so weird to

me at the time, but now I'm

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realizing that's exactly what they

were trying to teach their kids and

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me, because I was along for the ride,

but that like, they wanted their kids

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to try new things and to do runs that

were a little bit harder for them

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with skiing so that they would fall.

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Because if you're just comfortable,

you're not going to fall skiing.

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And so.

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Anyways, that just reminded

me of that, that experience.

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And I, I think that applies not just

to skiing or physical things, but

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you know, like, I mean, I even think

like starting this podcast was so

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scary for me and I've made so many

mistakes with this and I've learned so

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much from doing it and from all those

mistakes that I've made along the way.

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I love that.

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Yeah.

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One of the biggest ways to, to

progress at something or to get

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better at something is to start.

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And I think if we can have.

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An adult, you know, a, a mentor or for

kids, you know, a parent that's on their

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side to keep, keep stretching, keep

building, keep exploring because, you

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know, I mean, being creative is one of

the best ways that we can, you know,

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solve problems and think outside the box.

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There's a, there's a study

from NASA that was really cool.

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I might not get all the details

correct, but they wanted to see

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who could become geniuses or

what, what might, I don't know.

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I think it was an employment thing

but they studied five year olds.

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I think that was the first age

that they started at and just.

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I think just had an open area.

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I don't know if it was outside

or just kind of an open area with

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maybe some props or tools with,

you know, several groups of kids.

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And they kind of did a study of

what they would do, how they would

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problem solve and how they would

communicate to each other to see like

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who, who would be geniuses, I guess.

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And that was their main criteria.

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Being creative and then kind of

like, as they continued on with this

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study and as the kids got older,

most of them kind of lost some of

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that ability just to be creative.

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I think they needed, they needed more like

direction, like, tell me what to do and

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I'll do it versus here's raw material.

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What are you going to

do with no instruction?

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And I think that's.

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Part of, you know, kind of a message

that I want to portray today is just

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they're already born with that innate

nature to explore and to be creative and

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to socialize with other, other beings.

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So many times we go to a

park and if there's nobody

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there, I'm like, ah, bummer.

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Like I want her to socialize

with other kids and she loves it.

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So let's go up to kids and.

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Hey, you want to play or

Hey, what are you doing?

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And they'll just create this like

system and hierarchy and, and like game.

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And sometimes they're not even

talking, which is so cool.

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But just being able to give those

safe boundaries, those safe, loose

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boundaries, but also stepping back and

just seeing them flourish and giving

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them those opportunities to flourish.

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Oh, I love that so much.

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That is so cool.

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Tell me a little bit more about, there was

like a school, I think in New Zealand or

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something that had no playground rules.

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I think it was the principal

that kind of created, I don't

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know what it started with.

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I don't know if he kind of had some

behavior problems and just wanted

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to make this shift, but , it's

still, I think like a closed campus.

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So there is like a fence.

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I think around the school, but there's

like a tree building material and it's

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not just like asphalt and a playground

like there's a lot more just kind of

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nature within this school, but they

have he doesn't have any rules for

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recess other than don't kill anybody.

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And these kids, like, are, I think

they have, like, hammer and nail,

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like, they're building things.

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Like, they're climbing trees.

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They're climbing over fences.

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They're, you know, of course, there's,

you know, probably traditional, like,

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bikes and things like that, that

they can play with but they have

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seen a drastic improvement in kids

being able to focus while in the

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classroom, you know, and being able

to not have as much PK peer problems.

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You know, they're not, you know, fighting

as much with other kids or like they're

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probably more respectful to the teacher.

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And I think part of that.

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Yes, is kind of exercise because

I know I feel more grounded when I

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exercise, but it's, I mean, the body

for hundreds of years has shown we

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haven't really had a sedentary lifestyle.

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People have had to move their

bodies to survive, to get

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food, to, you know, get water.

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And so I think this is a

unique time in history.

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Where we have the opportunity

to order our food online and

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get it delivered to our door.

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We can order food from the store and

drive to the car drive, you know, and they

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put it in our trunk for us, , and then

pop it in the microwave and we eat it.

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Like, in a way society has like promoted

laziness, . And so we have to now think

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more outside of the box to be able to use.

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Yeah, to be able to not get into that

norm and yeah, even though I could

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watch, you know, two or three hours of

TV tonight, what else can I do instead?

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You know, can I go on

a walk with my family?

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Can I go play pickleball?

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Can I, you know, read a good book?

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Anyway, and so coming back to the school,

not only are they getting that physical.

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Labor and being able to be grounded

so that they can focus better.

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But also, they're figuring out, like,

how, how do I play with, with my friends?

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My husband quite frequently, you

know, tells my daughter, like,

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if you hit somebody or you punch

somebody, like, they're not

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going to want to play with you.

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And so you Which it's so

hard as the parent to, like,

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allow them to work it out.

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You know, it's so easy.

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I think, like, especially when you're

around, you know, Other moms and

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you don't want to be seen as like

a negligent parent, but somehow you,

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I don't know, this happens to me.

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I think it will appear as if I think

my son's behavior is okay like that.

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If I don't interfere, it seems

like I'm supporting that behavior.

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But like you say, it's part of the It's

pretty powerful if you can both agree

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to just stay out of it, like, kids, they

figure it out, like, they're, they're

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pretty smart and tough and I don't know.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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Absolutely.

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Like so, you know, different people

have different perspectives on, you

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know, Kids and things like that.

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But certain people I know are like

safety first, which I get it, you

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know, certain developmental, like they

don't know to not go in the street.

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They don't know to not

touch the hot stove.

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But I think, yeah, giving kids

that opportunity to just play.

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And yes, if one, if one

becomes alpha, like.

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Okay.

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So be it, you know, they learn and they

figure it out and if they want their

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toy back, then they sometimes go back

and take it back, you know, and yeah.

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Opportunity that yes, safety is important.

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But I don't think it's

the only end all be all.

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Yes, because there's a lot of learning

that happens when you Not that, yeah,

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like you say, like Yeah, like they

might get a little hurt, like, whether

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that's physically or emotionally.

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And there's a lot of

learning that happens.

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Through that, okay.

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. So what can we learn from children

and how they experience the world?

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So kind of combining a few different

thoughts on this question yeah, so

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in the Bible, you know, becoming the

little child it lists a whole, whole

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bunch of traits after that, and I think

too, like somebody had mentioned, like,

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oh, well, a kid, kids are resilient.

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And then she kind of took a new twist

on what that meant, because it's

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like as an adult, if something, you

know, bad happens or some trauma, I

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think adults show it very differently

than how a kid would show it.

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And I think I'm, I'm definitely

learning that firsthand, you know, like

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I might get angry or frustrated you

know, a situation or at my daughter.

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And then usually within Within minutes,

you know, she comes back to me with a

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smile and wanting to engage and play

and so somebody might look at that

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as like, Oh, like, she's over it.

356

:

Like, she's good to go.

357

:

But I think too, like, they,

they don't know how to process.

358

:

Kind of the, the dirt of life, I'll say.

359

:

And like, as adults, we might,

you know, stay in bed or.

360

:

Not look at our phone for a week, or,

you know, something that maybe are a lot

361

:

of unhealthy ways to deal with things.

362

:

And, and this, this gal had said, like,

kids process things through, through play,

363

:

through like, talking it out in play,

through working it out with other kids.

364

:

And so not only do we need

to become like little kids.

365

:

For their like tenderness and ability to

forgive, but I think to just being able

366

:

to process through things in the way,

like not just staying stuck, but being

367

:

able to try to process through things

that will help because everything there's

368

:

a, a book, the body keeps the score.

369

:

Wait, what's it called?

370

:

The body keeps the score.

371

:

Huh.

372

:

And so it talks about.

373

:

I haven't read it, but my husband has.

374

:

And so we have it at our house.

375

:

He's a therapist.

376

:

But it, one of the points I think it

talks about is that like all the dirt that

377

:

happens to us, it, it, it stays stuck.

378

:

Unless we find ways to release it.

379

:

And so giving kids

380

:

that opportunity to release

381

:

and kind of, you know, going

back to that, aspect of.

382

:

No mental health with the adult.

383

:

Like if we don't, if we don't want

generational things to just keep passing

384

:

down, like we have to be aware of it and

work on it for ourselves, for our kids,

385

:

or whoever we might care give for I feel

like it, it will come out in some way.

386

:

And I think that's why families are so

important because, you know, if you have

387

:

a friend that you see occasionally, like,

okay, I can put on my best behavior.

388

:

But you know, like with somebody you're

living with and you know, me being

389

:

a stay at home mom, like I'm with my

daughter many hours of the day, like I

390

:

can't, I can't just put it under the rug.

391

:

I, I need to work through things so that

I can help her, you know, not have as

392

:

much dirt, but life, life will bring dirt.

393

:

But allowing them, yeah, that opportunity

to play and be creative is so much more

394

:

than just problem solving and building

neural connection, but it's also helping

395

:

them process the world around them.

396

:

Yeah, I have felt that so.

397

:

deeply since becoming a parent.

398

:

, I love that reference to dirt, like

dirt that I thought that I had processed

399

:

and worked through and got rid of.

400

:

It's almost like, yeah, being the

primary caregiver and it's almost this

401

:

like crucible of like, oh, whoa, yep,

there's that dirt showing up again.

402

:

Like this is still there and

it's coming out in new ways.

403

:

And it's such a beautiful opportunity

to , like you say, not only get rid of

404

:

that dirt for myself, but also teach my

kids and model that for my kids of what it

405

:

looks like to get rid of the dirt in good

ways and attempting to do it and not doing

406

:

it so well, you know, and then teaching

them through, through not doing it well

407

:

to, you know, through repairs and through

Yeah, just perfectly and imperfectly.

408

:

I like that.

409

:

Yeah.

410

:

What are your thoughts on why

it's so important to not expect

411

:

kids to be adults too soon?

412

:

So I think think there's a

crucial window for kids to,

413

:

Responsibility might not be the

right word, but not to have as

414

:

much responsibility, I'll just say.

415

:

I'm totally for, like, learning

the skills of chores and learning,

416

:

you know, the rules of a household.

417

:

But I think, like, it's not, it's not an

unproductive or a bad thing for a kid.

418

:

To explore and to give them the raw

materials and just to let them, let

419

:

them be I think if we, you know,

expect kids to, you know, not talk,

420

:

sit at a desk for so many hours a day

and have all these, these rules and

421

:

structure and rigid, like, one, their

brains are not able to handle that.

422

:

They're not ready to accept it.

423

:

And I think if we have them do something

that they're not development to be

424

:

ready for, then the things that are in

their developmental stage, they miss

425

:

out out at developing them as well.

426

:

So I think line upon line the.

427

:

Like, let them, let them grow at

this stage that they're at, and

428

:

then, you know, build upon that.

429

:

, it reminds me of when I first had

my first son and when he was kind

430

:

of getting old enough to, you know,

interact a little bit more in the world.

431

:

And I would take him to parks

for, a long time for hours and

432

:

hours a day, which I still do.

433

:

But at the time I felt

really guilty about it.

434

:

I felt like, Oh, like I should be

at home, like cleaning my house or

435

:

doing laundry or like, I don't know.

436

:

I should be doing all of those other

things that come with caring for a home.

437

:

And I had a lot of, well, therapy

conversations and conversations with

438

:

my husband and, personal processing.

439

:

And I just realized, like, kind

of like you're saying, , one,

440

:

that's what worked for me.

441

:

And so I totally leaned into that.

442

:

Like, I really like it.

443

:

It works for me.

444

:

It's fun for me.

445

:

It's fun for my kids.

446

:

And it's not just like this waste of time.

447

:

Like we're just, yes,

we're playing all day.

448

:

Like we spend the majority

of our day playing.

449

:

And there's a lot of like learning and

growth that happens in those play I think

450

:

too, like having, I think society nowadays

sets a very different expectation and

451

:

rules for motherhood and, and like, and

children too, you know, and I think being

452

:

able to figure out what, what resonates

like with you personally as, you know,

453

:

if you are a mom or a parent or a soon

to be, or a want to be in the future.

454

:

Figure out what, what resonates with

you, I think, kind of, you know, growing

455

:

up, it was very much fast paced, about

productivity outcome, and that's,

456

:

that's the way that you succeed in life.

457

:

And so now trying to teach myself,

like, no, it's good to slow

458

:

down and to take those moments.

459

:

To have stillness in your life,

there's a, there's a study so they

460

:

had some options of sitting in a

room and there was probably very

461

:

little stimulation in this room.

462

:

So maybe white walls, carpet or floor,

you know, so they had the participants

463

:

had the opportunity to choose.

464

:

15 minutes in this room so, like

no noise, just silence, just them

465

:

in this room or to be shocked.

466

:

Oh, yes, I've read the study.

467

:

And most of them chose to be shocked.

468

:

And I think they like, yes, and I

think before they even like did that,

469

:

they like asked them if they would be

willing to be shocked or something.

470

:

And they all said they would

like pay to avoid being shocked.

471

:

But then once they were in the room.

472

:

And they, yeah, they just had to

like sit alone with their thoughts.

473

:

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was

like 68 percent or something.

474

:

I should, I'll, I'll link this study,

but then the majority of them chose to

475

:

shock themselves instead of just like

thinking with their thoughts and be

476

:

still like, because they were so bored.

477

:

And so they're like, Oh, I'll shock them.

478

:

But they had said before they

would pay to avoid being shocked.

479

:

Like, And I love like what you mentioned

of like, like being bored and having

480

:

like stillness with our thoughts.

481

:

And our, you know, stillness with our

bodies and I feel like that's how we

482

:

gain insight into our lives and our,

our current problems and just figuring

483

:

out the world, even as adults, you know,

and we, we have to give moments every

484

:

day pause and stillness and otherwise,

like, we're not going to process.

485

:

the dirt and it's just gonna, hey,

let's just keep going, keep going.

486

:

And then tying it back into

kids, like giving them that

487

:

opportunity to just to be bored.

488

:

I think so many times.

489

:

Parents think bored is just like, Oh,

like I can not have my kid be bored.

490

:

And it's so, it's so healthy

because as they're bored, they're

491

:

figuring out something to do.

492

:

So my daughter has been traveling with me.

493

:

For, you know, since she was a newborn,

basically, and she does great in trips.

494

:

And I feel like as stages have progressed,

like, okay, maybe I need to bring more

495

:

coloring books, or books, or stickers.

496

:

And she's done great in the car with

sometimes even just looking out the

497

:

window and, you know, we'll play I spy.

498

:

That's one of our new favorites.

499

:

Sometimes we'll do it if she's

like falling asleep, but we

500

:

don't want her to fall asleep.

501

:

I spy with my little eyes.

502

:

And so it's like, she's visually

scanning her environment.

503

:

She's looking for things.

504

:

She knows our car type and she'll like

point out other cars that are good, you

505

:

know, and it like they, they, they can be

creative if we give them the opportunity

506

:

or even at a grocery store, you know, I

mean, it's COVID baby or right before.

507

:

And so it's like, she was.

508

:

I think eight months old.

509

:

The first time we went to Target it

was just kind of like, What is this?

510

:

There are so many people,

so many things to look at.

511

:

And I'm like, yes, now that she's older

and walking, I don't get, you know,

512

:

she, you know, maybe a 10 minute in

the cart and then she wants to walk

513

:

around and explore and do things.

514

:

So now it presents a different challenge.

515

:

But I think the environment

provides so much.

516

:

Growth, learning even with the seasons

with regards to resting somebody had

517

:

mentioned recently, but the world that

goes through transitions and kind of

518

:

wintertime is the time to rest, like, it's

not, it's not growing, it's not blooming,

519

:

it's just kind of taking a pause.

520

:

To get ready for spring and summer

and then, you know, I guess fall a

521

:

death in certain things, you know but

it's just like, even the world has

522

:

an example laid out for us of kind

of how we can structure our lives.

523

:

I love that concept.

524

:

I think it's so cool.

525

:

And even I've heard of like the

woman's cycle, you know, kind of

526

:

follows like a monthly version of the

seasons and just leaning into that.

527

:

Yeah.

528

:

Like, like you were kind of saying

earlier, Our society is so hyper

529

:

focused on productivity and how

beautiful it is to slow down and rest.

530

:

And like, this is all nice to say, I

think both like allowing our kids to be

531

:

bored and Allowing ourselves to rest.

532

:

It's all nice to say in a podcast, the

application can be hard, especially

533

:

if it's not like part of your routine.

534

:

And I think just making those tiny

little swaps, you know, it's not just

535

:

like jumping to the extremes, but

yeah, like even last night I have.

536

:

I like my life planned out and

last night I had planned out to

537

:

do like Wednesday nights are for

me to like finish housework stuff.

538

:

So that's when I like clean the

bathroom and like finish any

539

:

laundry I didn't finish earlier.

540

:

And also , we hadn't finished in the

kitchen and so like I had a few house

541

:

care tasks that I wanted to finish up

last night, but I was like so tired.

542

:

And I'd done those

things until like 7 30.

543

:

And I was like, I think that my body just

needs to rest for the rest of the night.

544

:

And so I'm just going to

like leave those things.

545

:

And I did, I just laid in my bed and

listened to podcasts and then fell asleep

546

:

and then woke up at six this morning.

547

:

And it was like, I don't know.

548

:

I just like felt that resistance to

resting where I was like, but no,

549

:

I want to get these things done.

550

:

Like, well, one, because how will

they'll serve me later in the future

551

:

when those things are done, but also I

think I'm still working through that,

552

:

like, my value doesn't come from being

productive and getting things done.

553

:

Anyways, all that to say, I totally agree

with these things, and it can be hard

554

:

to actually apply them into our lives.

555

:

And you had mentioned earlier, kind

of, as you're playing at the park with

556

:

your son, like, oh, well, there's kind

of this pull of like, well, I should be

557

:

doing, you know, X, Y, and Z at home.

558

:

And I think I'm kind of trying to figure

out that transition now, as I, I, I

559

:

don't think I'll ever become a minimalist

necessarily, but trying to just reduce the

560

:

stuff and I think I'm already starting to

feel it and the sense it like, okay, like,

561

:

if I wake up in the morning and only have.

562

:

A few short tasks to do, or that task will

only take a short amount of time because

563

:

there isn't as much stuff in the way.

564

:

Like, then I can get to my true purpose

of, of being a mom and being more in

565

:

a relationship with her and connecting

than in a relationship with my house.

566

:

And I think as like, I'm

getting really, really close.

567

:

To kind of getting rid of some of those

projects, the clutter projects, I guess.

568

:

And then I can focus more with

her and spend that like one on

569

:

one time and fill her love tank.

570

:

She is totally its way.

571

:

Like if I spend, you know, anywhere

from usually more than 10 minutes,

572

:

but 10 minutes to like an hour with

her or some, some activity, then

573

:

usually there's a period of time.

574

:

When she wants to be creative

or, you know, quiet in her room,

575

:

sometimes just looking through books

and scanning, scanning the books.

576

:

So she'll naturally like, okay, cool.

577

:

Like I've met my social

quota for right now.

578

:

Like I'm going to go.

579

:

Do my own thing for a little bit, you

know, and then when she's done with

580

:

that, she'll usually come find me

and hey, mom, like, come play with me

581

:

or yeah, but finding those, I think

getting a good, like, baseline for

582

:

the things that do cause me stress

and what I do have control over too.

583

:

Minimize so that her and I

can have more of a harmony

584

:

and a flow throughout our day.

585

:

So kind of along that, what can we do

when our kids are young so that we can

586

:

foster the connection when they're older?

587

:

Yeah.

588

:

So I love that.

589

:

There's a, a friend of mine

who I look up to a ton.

590

:

She has three boys and she's a great,

great boy mama, but she kind of was

591

:

saying like, if you take interest in.

592

:

The little things that they come to

you about, you know, at, at a young

593

:

age, then they will understand like

I mean, obviously they're not going

594

:

to be probably be able to verbalize

this, but like, Hey, like you

595

:

care about what I'm talking about.

596

:

And as you build that relationship over

years and years and years, cause you

597

:

know, it might be a, Hey mom, look,

there's a snail or come look at this

598

:

leaf or Hey, I'm jumping in puddles.

599

:

Come watch me.

600

:

As you build that connection, and then

as they get older, with certain things

601

:

that might, you know, might happen

to them, of, hey, mom, this, this is

602

:

what's going on, and, and then we can

take, you know, our adult lens of, okay,

603

:

hey, thanks for telling me about it.

604

:

How, how are you feeling?

605

:

How are you doing?

606

:

And then, you know, the adult can step in

and if they need to take further steps.

607

:

To make sure something doesn't happen

in the future or, you know, not only

608

:

protection, but just their development

and how, how they're processing the

609

:

world if, if we're not caring about the

snails, they're not going to come to us.

610

:

about the bigger things than the snails.

611

:

Totally, totally.

612

:

And this is like a little bit different,

but it kind of made me think when

613

:

you were talking, it's so easy for

me when I'm anywhere with my kids,

614

:

but I think especially like, for

example, we walk to the park right

615

:

by our house pretty frequently and

I just am like a destination girl.

616

:

Like, okay, we're gonna walk

to the park and then play there

617

:

and then we're gonna walk home.

618

:

But the walk to the park is often like,

oh, look, , there's the horses and yeah,

619

:

look, there's a snail and oh, like, let's

stop and watch this garbage truck go by

620

:

and, you know, just like lots of stops.

621

:

And it's so easy for me to be

like, hey, buddy, keep coming.

622

:

Hey, buddy, keep coming.

623

:

Hey, buddy, keep coming.

624

:

And it's like, What am I in a rush for?

625

:

Like, like, for why?

626

:

Like, my whole point is so

we can go play at the park.

627

:

Why not play along our

way to the park, you know?

628

:

So I, I just think kind of like on that

same point of just, just not being so

629

:

rushed about life and just, you know,

Even like when we're like getting into

630

:

the car seats to go to the park, I'm like,

why am I in such a rush to get there?

631

:

Like, yeah, like let's stop and chat

for a sec while you're in your car seat.

632

:

Like it just, in my mind,

it feels inconvenient.

633

:

And he's even started saying this to me.

634

:

He's like, mommy, I just want to tell you

something when I'm like, keep it, keep it.

635

:

And he's like, I just want

to tell you something.

636

:

And I'm like, Oh.

637

:

Okay, yeah, let's stop and chat.

638

:

I don't know why I'm in such

a rush for no reason at all.

639

:

So anyways, thoughts on that?

640

:

I agree, like being able to, I feel

like I'm really bad at being on time.

641

:

And I like, like, well, I have this,

this amount of time so I can shove

642

:

in like five activities really quick.

643

:

And then I'm late out the door.

644

:

And then I'm trying to

rush her and rush myself.

645

:

And nobody's happy afterwards.

646

:

Yeah.

647

:

I'm just trying to figure out, like,

okay, hey, if I make my morning the

648

:

three things instead of ten things,

like, we could actually maybe make

649

:

it there on time if not early, and

we're both happy with each other.

650

:

Yes, yes.

651

:

And so creating ways, like, yes,

maybe that's a deficit that I have,

652

:

but how can I work on it so that.

653

:

She can not only learn the skill of being

on time, but then also just, you know,

654

:

like, hey, we can have joy in the journey.

655

:

Yes, exactly.

656

:

Exactly.

657

:

I kind of earlier.

658

:

Sorry.

659

:

Just about like giving kids raw material.

660

:

So we had kind of started

it during Christmas time.

661

:

We made a, just like a tree

out of construction paper.

662

:

But we happened to, you know, she has

these little scissors and this wood board.

663

:

It was actually my dad's old drafting

board when he was in college.

664

:

No way.

665

:

As a kid, like we drew

on it and everything.

666

:

And I had recently asked him

like, Hey, do you still have that?

667

:

Like, can I have it?

668

:

So it has memories for me, but

it's basically a, a play board now.

669

:

So she does play dough on it.

670

:

And but during Christmas time, and

then we've kind of done it throughout.

671

:

It's pretty cool.

672

:

But just construction

paper tape, and scissors.

673

:

And she would at it,

sometimes for like an hour.

674

:

Just cutting pieces of paper, getting

tape out you know, taping it to the board.

675

:

And yeah, I bought, you know, special

tape, cheaper tape, you know, so it's

676

:

like, hey, if you go through a roll

of tape in one hour, cool, awesome.

677

:

It's not my favorite tape that I want

to use for gift wrapping or something,

678

:

you know, anyway, so just as she's

problem solving and being creative, I'm

679

:

not, I'm not telling her how to do it.

680

:

I'm not saying, oh, hey, this

is the end outcome that I want.

681

:

Like, she's learning hand eye

coordination, she's learning sustained

682

:

attention through an activity.

683

:

Like fine motor skills and you

know, there's several times I'll

684

:

just put out the board and put

out the materials and okay, cool.

685

:

Like, I know what to do.

686

:

And yeah, sometimes at night, like,

Hey, let's, let's clean up the board.

687

:

So we have a fresh start

when we do it again.

688

:

And I think being okay as an adult.

689

:

Being okay with this.

690

:

I know it doesn't have to stay messy.

691

:

Like there can be certain times to

make a mess and certain times to

692

:

clean up the mess and teaching them

how to clean I think is important,

693

:

but being okay that the house doesn't

have to be spotless all the time.

694

:

And so sometimes I'm learning that,

like, when she makes a mess in her room,

695

:

like, maybe every once in a while I'll

go and clean it up or have her help me.

696

:

Somebody had suggested it, like,

before, like, specific times in the day.

697

:

So, like, maybe before mealtime.

698

:

So, like, maybe before lunch and dinner.

699

:

Like, hey, let's do a five minute clean.

700

:

And so, kind of, like, putting

toys away or cleaning up a mess.

701

:

And then we have dinner and we

keep going on with the transition.

702

:

Or maybe before bedtime.

703

:

You know, like, hey,

let's quickly do a clean.

704

:

Anyway, so that they learn, like,

hey, I can play and make a mess.

705

:

And, you know, house rules

and, you know, Play Doh.

706

:

Hey, let's just do Play Doh on

the tile instead of on the carpet.

707

:

You know, whatever, however you

want to shape those boundaries.

708

:

But like messes are okay, but

also learning the value of,

709

:

Hey, let's clean it up too.

710

:

Yes, yeah, before you get out, another

thing, or yeah, like, yeah, we do

711

:

that, like, right before quiet time.

712

:

I think it's more of just, for my sake,

I'm like, I don't want him to start quiet

713

:

time in a messy area, I don't know,

that's our time to,, clean up, and then

714

:

yeah, again, once, like, right before

bed, we do, like, another quick clean up.

715

:

And yeah, it just makes it so much easier.

716

:

To have those times and also yeah,

like the other thing you were

717

:

saying that it made me think of

with like the tape a lot of times

718

:

like if my kids like I don't know.

719

:

They just play with the randomest things.

720

:

Maybe it's because they, like, keep

most of our toys hidden so we don't

721

:

have very many toys out to play, so

they play with, like, actual things.

722

:

But whenever, like, whether it's

toilet paper that gets all rolled

723

:

out or, like, I don't know, just

random things that break or whatever.

724

:

I'm like, for me, that's just

like an investment in a toy.

725

:

I'm like, that's actually

a pretty cheap toy.

726

:

Like a piece of roll of toilet paper.

727

:

Or like, I just think of it as like

an investment in toy instead of

728

:

like, oh, they ruined whatever thing.

729

:

It's like, oh, yep, there's,

that's a good investment in a toy.

730

:

So that's helped me switch my

mindset around things, right?

731

:

Oh, yeah.

732

:

Even like in the bath, we had a, I

had a, like a Costco size palm juice.

733

:

So have like little sections,

you know so she has a little

734

:

kind of shelves in our bath.

735

:

Okay.

736

:

Yeah.

737

:

So yeah, I gave her like a funnel and

a cup and then this, this palm juice.

738

:

And so then I, you know, next

bath time, she like put the funnel

739

:

in there, was pouring it on and

she's like, mom, where's the lid?

740

:

So I didn't pick up the lid because

I didn't want it to go down the drain

741

:

which is like giving like, okay, what

do I have that I can put in her bath

742

:

that she can just like explore with?

743

:

And of course, you know, like, hey, water

stays in the tub, not outside the tub.

744

:

You know, of course those rules setting,

but it's like setting the boundaries.

745

:

And then giving them opportunities to

explore and play and learn, like, hey,

746

:

what does the water look like when

I swish it around in this container?

747

:

Or when it's coming

out, like it swirls out.

748

:

Yeah, I feel like just one of my main

takeaways, I think, from this message

749

:

is understanding that they are learning

so much from their world around them.

750

:

And the simplest things is helping them

grow if we give them that opportunity.

751

:

Ah, yes.

752

:

Are there any last thoughts

that you have today?

753

:

Yeah, I think just giving parents

props and individuals and, you know,

754

:

just keep going, keep striving, keep,

keep doing what you can, even if, you

755

:

know, as adults, I know I'm trying

to make emotional resilience, I feel

756

:

like at a better level than what it

was when I, before I was a parent.

757

:

And just, yeah, being able

to, to sit with the dirt.

758

:

And figure out ways to problem

solve and help our kids.

759

:

Do the same thing.

760

:

It's so fascinating to me that like what

seems like two very separate things, you

761

:

know, like this risk taking and play and

the emotional resilience, those seem like

762

:

really separate, but those are actually

connected and like allowing the risk

763

:

taking and allowing the free play and the

boredom is what connects and leads to that

764

:

emotional resilience and can support that.

765

:

Another thing that I.

766

:

That I've been kind of thinking is

like, and you mentioned this too, this

767

:

will look different for everybody.

768

:

And everyone has different things that,

yeah, different dirt, different stressors,

769

:

different family situations, different.

770

:

Ages of kids, like everybody

has different situations.

771

:

And so I think it's easy to see

things like this, like romanticized

772

:

or something on social media and

feel like you're doing a bad job

773

:

because you're not doing this all.

774

:

And I think like just leaning into what

works for you with these principles and

775

:

these concepts and just, I don't know.

776

:

Those are kind of my thoughts.

777

:

And I kind of have a

thought too that came up.

778

:

Yeah.

779

:

So many times, like, when something

happens, you know, maybe, I don't

780

:

know, like a meltdown or a temper

tantrum or something happened

781

:

that the kid is not okay with.

782

:

And I think just, you know, kind

of upbringing and different things.

783

:

I think , I look at that of like, okay,

well, I don't have power to control this.

784

:

So I'm just going to try to stop it.

785

:

Which obviously is not, like you

don't want to just like suppress the

786

:

emotion because the body just stores

it and then they, okay, I know how

787

:

to stop crying, but I don't know how

to process my feelings, you know?

788

:

Yeah.

789

:

So I'm trying to, that's what I've,

one of my goals that I've been trying

790

:

to work on lately is to separate.

791

:

, I can be with her emotions, but I don't

have to take on her emotions for myself.

792

:

And so trying to kind of take that

pause, take that breather for myself

793

:

and, you know, my brain wants to connect

the two and, you know, take on her

794

:

emotion, but being able to separate

that, take a pause, Hey, how can I

795

:

show up as a calm parent for you during

this uncalm time that you're having?

796

:

Yeah, that's such a good point

where, yeah, it's easy to, yeah,

797

:

either want to just stop it or to

take it on and yeah, I love that.

798

:

It reminds me, I think I did a podcast

episode maybe last year sometime about

799

:

10 ways to calm a tantrum , without

using a screen and that's a lot of what

800

:

I talk about is like, A lot of times

our goal isn't even to calm the tantrum.

801

:

Like it's to allow the tantrum

without taking it on for ourselves.

802

:

So I love that, you know, like,

yeah, if you have a screaming

803

:

child in the supermarket, you're

going to get a lot of stairs.

804

:

Yeah.

805

:

It was like, okay, well, what are

you doing to like, calm your child?

806

:

And so trying to figure out ways,

you know, at home and in the

807

:

supermarket, like in some ways.

808

:

Yes, let 'em stare.

809

:

Like, no, I don't want my

kids screaming right now.

810

:

. But it's like, that's just how it is.

811

:

Or I feel like so many times at different

places are like, well, here, she's crying.

812

:

Can I give her a sucker?

813

:

And I'm like, no, not reinforce, like

she's crying because she's not able

814

:

to get that candy bar, or she's not

able to do something that she wants

815

:

to do that I'm trying to redirect.

816

:

And it's like, no, like, I know they're

trying to be helpful, you know but

817

:

sometimes it's like, no, she doesn't need

sugar right now, like, or she doesn't,

818

:

like, hey, let me reward you for this

behavior and, or, and not even reward

819

:

the behavior, but like, let me stop this.

820

:

Like, this is a quick way to stop

this, like, yeah, this is, yeah,

821

:

it's like not allowing the emotion.

822

:

I think too, like, this is.

823

:

Yeah, I, I speak to the parent

audience, but it could be

824

:

many, many different aspects.

825

:

But just like with our topic of

building resilience in kids but like

826

:

as a parent figuring out how you

want to parent and how certain things

827

:

you want to be firm on and not give.

828

:

But then other things it's like,

Hey, like I can learn , in this

829

:

area, or Hey, they had a good point.

830

:

, and it's a constant, you know, growing

and learning, especially as kids get

831

:

older or more kids come into the family.

832

:

But I guess figuring out like your

own boundaries and not letting other

833

:

people pass those boundaries that

are hard and fast that you've set.

834

:

Yes.

835

:

Yeah.

836

:

Deciding what those are

and making small tweaks.

837

:

Like you said, I think it's so easy to be

like, Oh, I'm going to go extreme on this.

838

:

And yeah, we all have a lot to work

on and just making those changes.

839

:

This was awesome.

840

:

You are such a source of wisdom and

I'm just so grateful that you'd come

841

:

share all of your wisdom with us.

842

:

Yeah.

843

:

It's so fun.

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About the Podcast

Mindful with Media
This is the podcast for entrepreneurial moms who want to grow a meaningful, profitable business without sacrificing their other priorities (like spending time with their kids or getting enough sleep).

Host Alex Fales—business coach, mindset mentor, and mom—shares honest conversations, simple strategies, and powerful mindset shifts to help you and make money doing work you love and grow as a person while you're at it.

Expect solo episodes, authentic chats, and real-life stories that help you blend business strategy with personal growth, so you can build a business that supports your life (not the other way around).

Because you don’t need more hustle.
You need clarity, confidence, and the courage to do business your way.