47 | Continuum of Healthy Balance
There is an overload of information online and social media can make it easy to feel like you're doing everything wrong: parenting, screen time, healthy eating, exercise, sleep, self-care, independent play, time outside, non-toxic cleaners.
If I find myself judging myself or judging others it is usually because I have forgotten this concept: there is a wide range of what is considered "healthy" for each of these topics.
Listen to this episode to learn more about this concept of the continuum of healthy balance and how it can help you live a less judgmental life.
Transcript
I've coached nearly 100 women about their
screen time, and here's what I've learned.
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:Women actually don't care about their
screen time, they care about those things
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:that are impacted by their screen time.
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:Their ability to be patient with their
kids, the growth of their business,
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:having time to pursue their creative
dreams, their relationship with their
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:husband, the inner peace that they feel,
their confidence in themselves, their
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:Connection with God, their friendships
not missing out on their kids' childhoods.
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:I'm Alex and I'm here to
help you find inner peace.
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:Enjoy true fulfillment
and be fully present.
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:Welcome to the Mindful with Media Podcast.
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:And this world of.
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:Social media and constant
access to information.
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:It is really easy to feel like you
are doing everything wrong, the
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:way that you parent, the way that
you eat, the way that you take care
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:of your body, the way that you.
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:Sleep the way that you
manage relationships.
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:The way that you manage the screens,
it can feel like you're doing
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:it wrong no matter what you do.
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:And I've been thinking a
lot about this concept and.
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:There's a, a movement to use.
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:Cleaner products and.
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:Have like cleaner food, you know, like,
Less weird ingredients in the food.
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:You eat less processed
foods, things like that.
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:And.
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:That is something that.
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:I understand the value of, but it's
not something that I've chosen to
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:be important in my life right now.
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:And.
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:It's really easy for me
when I see things about.
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:Living that way.
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:Or when I hear people talk about it.
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:It's really easy for me
to do one of two things.
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:One, I either feel.
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:Less than, and feel like
I'm not doing a good job.
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:And I start to feel fear for
myself and for my kids and, you
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:know, just go to that place of.
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:I'm not as good because
I'm not doing those things.
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:And then the other thing that can happen.
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:Is, I can start to judge other
people who are living that way of,
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:oh, they're just so . Obsessed with.
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:Living with, you know,
clean ingredients or.
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:Like they're making that matter more
than these other things, and it's
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:just making them more anxious because
they're just so intense about it.
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:And it's really just from this
place of insecurity, judging the
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:way that they live their life.
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:And.
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:I've also noticed the opposite
on something that I do care
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:a lot about is screens.
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:And that's something that
I'm very intentional about.
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:Both with myself and my own screen use.
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:And the things that I consume
and also with my kids, they
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:have very minimal screen time.
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:And the things that they do watch
um, Just very intentional about the
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:things that I allow them to see.
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:And I've also noticed.
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:One of two things happens with this.
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:Sometimes I feel embarrassed that this
matters to me and that I shouldn't care
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:about this as much as I do or that people
think that I'm better than them because I.
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:I'm so intentional about screens, or
I just feel like this embarrassment
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:about the way that I handle screens.
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:Or.
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:Again, from a place of insecurity.
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:I used to.
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:Judge people for using screens
differently than I did for.
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:You know, using so much screen time,
either for themselves or the kids,
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:or judge them for the kind of shows
they watched or things like that.
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:And.
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:Neither of those are healthy.
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:Right.
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:And so I want to share something
today that has helped me.
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:To be confident in.
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:My own decisions and the
way that I live my life.
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:While also respecting other people.
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:And the way that they lived their
life and that's this concept of.
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:A continuum of healthy balance.
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:And I, I first heard this idea from.
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:My mom, I think she said she read
about it in a book years ago., and
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:I think the example that they gave
in the book was like how much time
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:we spend with extended family.
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:And that looks different
for every family, right?
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:Some people.
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:Every Sunday, go to , family
dinner with their extended family,
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:and maybe frequently during
the week, see extended family.
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:And they just do a lot
with extended family.
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:And then maybe other people live.
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:Across the country or
even across the world.
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:And they rarely talk with
extended family or maybe just,
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:yeah, brief texts here and there.
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:And they don't have a lot of
connection with extended family.
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:And.
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:, it's not like one is right
and the other is wrong.
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:There's this middle ground.
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:You know, if you think of like a line
on one end, you have an extreme that's
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:unhealthy let's say it's never talking
to your extended family and, and this is
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:with the caveat that like, You have a, a
healthy family that it's okay to talk to.
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:I don't know, like.
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:Maybe the one extreme is like, no, we
should never do anything with our extended
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:family because that's gonna interfere
with our, our individual family unit.
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:And then you have the
ugly extreme of like,
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:you have no boundaries around your
own individual family, and you just
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:do things with your extended family.
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:And, and I'm not sure if this
is the perfect example because.
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:Again, I think there is.
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:A lot of right ways to do things,
but, but the idea is that.
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:Within this range of ways that you can
handle extended family relationships.
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:There's a middle ground and it's
not like it's just in the center,
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:this perfect balance of how much
time you have with extended family,
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:but there's a range that's healthy.
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:Some people might spend.
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:Very minimal amount of time with their
extended family and that's healthy.
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:And then within that range of healthy,
There might be another family that spends
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:a lot of time with extended family and
that's still healthy and in between
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:that there's this whole range of healthy.
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:And when I can view life that way.
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:That there is a range of.
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:Healthy ways to do things.
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:It doesn't feel so intense.
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:Both for myself and judging myself and how
I should be living and also for judging
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:others and how they should be living.
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:And so I want to give some
more examples of this.
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:I think exercise is another really big one
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:how much you exercise and how much
you focus on fitness in your life.
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:There is an extreme where that's
your only focus and the only
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:thing that matters to you.
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:And you're.
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:Not.
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:Focusing on anything else in your life.
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:And that's probably not healthy.
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:And then there's another extreme
where you, you don't care at all
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:about your health or your fitness
or taking care of your body.
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:And that's probably not healthy either.
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:But there's this range of healthy
in the middle, where you can care
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:a lot about fitness and exercise
and taking care of your body.
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:And that might be more than I
care about it, or I am focusing
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:on it, but that's still healthy.
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:And then there's this, this.
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:Other end of the spectrum where
that's not a big focus for you to.
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:To spend a lot of time working out
or exercising or focusing on fitness.
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:But you haven't gone to
the extreme the other way.
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:You just, it's not a
huge priority for you.
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:And that's also healthy and there's
this range of healthy with exercise.
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:And.
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:This is also true of.
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:How you care for your home?
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:You know, I think some people really
care about having a really orderly, clean
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:home, and that is okay to care about that.
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:If that's important to you.
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:And there's a range of healthy where.
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:If you don't care about it as much,
if you choose in the season of life,
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:you're in that you're okay to have
a little bit more messes and less.
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:Order and less cleanliness, I should say.
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:Like, and that's healthy
too, you know, I think.
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:There's this range of healthy
again on the internet.
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:We just see.
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:So many preaching that there's
one right way to do things.
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:And.
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:You know, this is how you should care
for your house or on the other end, like.
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:It's all in your mind it.
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:Doesn't matter if your
house is messy or not.
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:Like you can choose your
mindset and be okay with it.
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:And like, I just think coming back to
that, like, there is a range of healthy
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:and how clean you want to keep your house.
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:And if you can choose to.
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:To embrace that there is a range of
healthy ways to do things it's so much
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:easier to be less judgmental of yourself.
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:And less judgmental of others.
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:I think a huge one that I've had
to navigate is my kids sleep.
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:So when my first son was
born, we slept trained, slept,
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:trained him, sleep, trained him.
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:We sleep trained him.
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:When he was, um, I think
like six or seven months old.
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:And.
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:I got so much slack.
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:I don't know if it was like, actually,
but I think it was just things I saw
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:on the internet of like, you shouldn't
sleep your train, your babies.
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:And like, this is why it's so
bad, and this is all these things.
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:And then I saw a bunch of other things of
like, sleep training is the right answer.
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:And this is the right way.
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:And, I think there's a range of healthy.
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:Is it healthy to.
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:Totally abandon your child
and not care for their needs.
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:No, that's not healthy.
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:Is it healthy to have no boundaries
with your kids and about not even with
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:your kids, but boundaries for your
self care and for carrying yourself?
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:No, that's not healthy either.
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:And so.
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:Within this range of healthy
for some people sleep training
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:might be the right thing.
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:And for other people sleep training
might not be the right thing.
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:And there is a range of healthy.
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:Within how you manage your kids sleep.
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:And I've even found that different seasons
of my life, you know, with my first son.
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:Where I was at mentally and emotionally,
it was the right thing for us to
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:sleep, train him with my daughter
and with her temperament and with
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:where my mental health was, then.
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:We chose not to sleep, train her and
that wasn't the right thing then.
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:And so.
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:Even in different seasons of your life.
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:You can still be in a healthy range.
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:And change, you know, within that,
whether that's how much you exercise,
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:that can be more or less in different
phases of your life, or, yeah.
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:How you manage your kids sleep,
that can look different in
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:different phases of your life or.
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:, how clean you keep your home and
how much of a priority that is.
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:There is a range of healthy, and that can
change depending on your season of life.
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:Um, other.
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:Examples of where I see this, this.
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:Continuum of the healthy
balance, this range of.
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:Healthy ways that there's not one
right way, but there's, there's
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:this range of healthy, you know,
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:I see this in parenting.
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:I.
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:Um, Very.
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:How do I say this?
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:Like, if you know me personally,
or even if you followed me for
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:a while, you probably see that.
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:I probably seem pretty what's that called?
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:Like.
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:Relaxed I allow my kids to.
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:Do a lot of things that most
people probably don't like.
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:If they're resisting, putting on
a coat or putting on their shoes.
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:I generally allow that or.
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:Like, I allow them to do a lot of
things at the parks as far as like.
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:Risky stuff that , they
might get hurt if they do it.
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:I allow a lot of that.
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:And that's okay.
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:If you don't, you can be more strict
in the way that you handle things.
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:I, this is totally true of screen time.
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:I'm pretty minimal when it comes
to screen time with my kids.
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:You can allow your kids to have a lot
more screen time than I do, and still
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:be in a healthy range of what is okay.
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:Um, yeah.
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:Feeding your kids as far as
like how much sugar they have.
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:There's a healthy range.
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:How much you have your kids help
around the home or how much you allow
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:them to help when you're cooking.
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:There's a healthy range.
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:How much you encourage your kids
to do independent play versus
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:how much do you entertain them?
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:Most of the day, again,
there's a healthy range.
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:It doesn't have to just look one way.
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:And so if you find yourself
comparing yourself a lot to.
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:Other people, you know, in your life
or other people on social media.
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:Just take a step back
and really ask yourself.
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:Am I in a healthy range.
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:Does it look different
from these other people?
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:Is my house dirtier than their house?
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:Or
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:Am I not as.
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:You know, strict or intense about.
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:Providing healthy food for my kids,
then they are, you know, maybe that's
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:true, but am I in a healthy range?
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:That's what matters is if you
are, are still within that bound
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:of the healthy range., And I've
noticed in myself that any time.
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:Either somebody comments on the
way that I live my life, or I
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:think, especially in parenting.
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:Or if I see something online
that kind of triggers me.
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:It's usually because I feel insecure
about how I'm doing something and that's
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:okay too, to feel that insecurity.
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:I just had an experience recently
where somebody made a comment about.
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:How I do things with my kids and
my initial reaction was to well,
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:I kind of had two reactions.
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:My first reaction was to, um, justify
why I do things that way and why I.
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:Yeah, why parent my kids in that way.
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:And then my second reaction was to
feel hurt and to feel like, I was
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:doing something wrong and that I
shouldn't parent the way that I do.
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:And I shouldn't handle things that way.
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:And with all of this, like of
course we all have room for
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:improvement in certain areas, and
it doesn't mean that we're just.
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:Only going to do things that they would,
the way that we're going to do them.
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:That.
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:I'm totally open to changing the way
that I do things and that I know that
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:I'm not a perfect parent and that's okay.
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:Uh, but I've realized when
people comment on things.
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:If I'm insecure about.
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:What I'm doing, then I tend to
either judge the way that they're
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:doing things or try to justify why
I'm doing things the way I'm doing.
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:Or, , feel like I'm less than or worse
because, because I do things that way.
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:And so just shifting my mindset
that there is, there's actually a
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:really wide range of healthy ways.
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:To, to parent.
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:To take care of your body too.
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:Handle food to handle,
sleep, to manage screens.
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:Both of your own screen time
and your kids' screen time.
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:There is a.
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:A wider range of healthy than we
realize has been really helpful for me.
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:So, , I think it can be
really helpful to choose.
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:One thing that you feel insecure about in
your life, or something that you notice.
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:You're judging, someone else, about
whether that's screen time or.
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:The cleanliness of your home or.
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:Healthy eating or.
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:Taking care of your body or.
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:Extended family relationships or
whatever it is either that you
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:feel insecure about that you feel.
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:Less than about or
something that you notice.
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:You're judging someone else, a
lot about, if you notice that.
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:I don't know if you have a.
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:In law or a friend or something that you
notice that you're judging them quite
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:a bit about how they handle things.
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:Really take some time to take
a step back and ask yourself.
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:Am I in the healthy range?
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:Of how I handle this.
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:And ask about the other person.
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:Are they in the healthy range
of how they handle this?
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:Even if it's different
than how I do things.
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:That can help you just let go
of things a little bit more.
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:Okay, that is all I have for you today.
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:And before I end today, I
do have two spots currently.
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:Available for private coaching clients.
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:So to work with me, you can have up to
four calls per month, depending on your
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:preference, if you like to meet with
more frequently or less frequently, you
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:can have up to four calls per month.
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:And then unlimited Voxer access.
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:And it's a three-year
six month commitment.
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:And.
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:It's a thousand dollars a month.
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:So, if you are interested, if you
are feeling the pull to work with me.
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:On a one-on-one level.
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:I would love to chat with you
and see if that's a good fit.
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:So you can send me an email
or DM me on Instagram.
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:We'll see ya.
