Episode 71

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Published on:

8th Jan 2025

71 | Are you afraid of getting what you want?

Most people are afraid to get clear on what they want-- they don't want to be vain or selfish, they are afraid of being disappointed if they don't get what they want, or they don't think it is realistic to get what they want. But what if you just let yourself *think* about what YOU actually want?

Tune into this episode to learn the power of getting clear on what you want and how to make it happen.

Hang out with me on Instagram @mindfulwithmedia

Join the waitlist for The Serenity

Transcript
Speaker:

I'm Alex, and you're listening to the Mindful with Media podcast.

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My son who is three years old.

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He has pretty severe allergies.

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And so he's.

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Often coughing and sneezing.

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We're trying to get

those under control, but.

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A couple of weeks ago, he sneezed.

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And.

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Had mucus all down his face.

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This is a little graphic.

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I'm sorry.

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But he had.

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You guys all down his face.

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And he just yells out.

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I have a runny nose.

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And.

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In that moment.

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I'm like.

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What do you want me to do for you?

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So you have runny nose.

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Like what should we do about it?

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Because there are times when.

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Like this, a similar situation where

he'll call out, I have a runny nose

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and then I'll give him a tissue.

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And he's like, no, I don't want a tissue.

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Like, that's not actually what he wanted.

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Like he already got it cleaned up on

his sleeve or something like that.

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And so.

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It just made me think.

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About.

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How.

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If he had said.

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Hey mom, can I have a tissue or.

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Hey mom.

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Will you help me get this

cleaned up or just like been

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more direct with what he wanted.

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Then it's easier for me to help

him and get him what he wants.

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Instead of just.

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Calling out what the problem

is or what's going on.

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And.

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It's.

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Obviously.

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Different with young kids As they

are still learning this skill of.

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Realizing what they want and then

being able to communicate it.

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To their caregiver.

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, but I have just noticed that this

same principle applies to myself.

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Where sometimes I just.

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Get stuck in.

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Complaining about.

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Something about my life or I

just comment on what's happening.

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But I don't let myself get clear

about what I actually want.

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And when I do get clear

about what I actually want.

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There is so much power and it's

a lot easier to get what I want.

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If I can.

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Clarify that for myself first.

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And then to God and to other people.

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So that's what I want to talk

about today is the skill.

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Of getting what you want.

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And.

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In this world of.

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Coaching and.

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Wisdom and spirituality.

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And manifestation and things like that.

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I am still.

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Yeah, I think I'm still grappling with.

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What I.

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Believe about.

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Manifestation and how

much control you have.

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I think.

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We don't give ourselves as

much control as we actually do

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have in creating what we want.

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And I believe that God is

a higher power and has.

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Greater.

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Understanding and yeah, I, I

just will leave it at that,

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that I am still grappling with.

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What I believe about.

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Manifestation in general.

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And how that works.

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But.

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With the beginning of a new year,

I do want to focus on this topic.

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Of.

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Getting really clear on what you want.

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And how powerful that can

be for you in your life.

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So the first idea that I want to touch

on is making sure that you are really

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clear about what you personally want.

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It's been super interesting.

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In my.

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Experience as a business coach.

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How many clients that I work with.

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Are.

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Accidentally chasing someone else's dream.

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This happened at the

beginning of my business.

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First, I thought that I

wanted to be a blogger.

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And I was pursuing that route.

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And then I realized that.

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That was not my dream.

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My dream was not to be a.

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Lifestyle blogger.

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And then my dream was.

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I thought that I wanted to make.

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10 K months, because that was the.

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The buzzy.

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Number I was seeing on social media

about how to make 10 K months and

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this and that with 10 K months.

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And when I got really clear for

myself, I realized that I actually.

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Did not want to make 10 K months.

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Aye.

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What mattered to me.

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Was.

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I wanted to have a lot of time.

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Playing with my kids.

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I wanted to be able to make enough in

my business to pay for a babysitter.

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So that I could.

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My kids.

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Could be with someone who.

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Loved spending time with them.

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Like, it was a really positive thing when

I was working for myself and for my kids.

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And I want it to have enough extra income.

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For.

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Home decor.

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For.

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Family vacations.

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And for just those extra.

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Things.

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And I actually sat down and like

wrote down the extra things that

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I wanted to be able to pay for.

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And when I listed out all out.

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I didn't need to be

making 10 K months at all.

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And so.

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I would encourage you to do.

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The same thing.

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With every category in your life.

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But take a step back and.

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Get really clear on.

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What you.

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Personally want.

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And that you're not accidentally.

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Pursuing what someone else wants.

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Whether that's with your income goals.

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Whether that's with your, I mean,

I think even like me, like maybe

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you don't want to spend a ton of

time adventuring with your kids.

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Maybe that's not what you personally want.

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I've even had one client who realized she

actually didn't want her business at all.

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She totally let go of her

business because it's not what

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she wanted in this phase of life.

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She wanted to.

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Let go of that.

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Mental.

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Load, you could say.

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So just do a gut check

every time you find.

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Uh, goal that you're pursuing or.

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An idea that comes to mind

of something to work towards.

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Whether that's in your.

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Business or in your personal

life, just do that gut check of,

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is this what I actually want?

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Or is this what I feel

like I'm supposed to want?

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Or this is what someone.

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I love and admire once, but

I actually don't want that.

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And just a note on.

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Getting clear on what you want.

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It will change.

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It's an evolving thing.

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Like I mentioned,

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A year ago where I was at in

my business is drastically

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different from where I am now.

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A year ago.

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I just wanted to.

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Make enough to.

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Pay for our babysitter

and have extra money for.

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Vacations and home decor and.

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I only wanted to work

about 10 hours a week.

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That was really important to me.

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Now.

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I'm right on the verge of 10 K months.

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And I.

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Like working about 20 hours a week now.

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And that's.

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A better fit for what I want right now.

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And what.

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Our family wants right now.

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And so just as you're working

on this, you're not like

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stuck in wanting this forever.

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It's just, what do you want right now?

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And it can be.

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Easy.

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Too.

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Accidental accidentally believe.

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That certain.

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Experts or coaches or

people on Instagram or.

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Just the things that you've heard.

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Are the better way to do things

or the right way to do things.

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But.

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If you're willing to just let go.

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Of the idea that there are right

ways and wrong ways to do things.

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It actually can open.

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Your mind a lot too.

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The possibility of getting what you want.

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In a way that you want it.

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And so not just getting clear.

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Like, don't just get clear on

the end result that you want.

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But get really clear and allow

yourself to be really clear on

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how you want to get that result.

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So an example would be.

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Marketing on Instagram.

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Do you want to mark it on?

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Instagram.

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If, yes, let's lean into that.

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If you don't want to be an Instagram.

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You do not have to be.

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There are ways to get what you want.

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Without being on Instagram.

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How about the.

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The way that you.

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Make money.

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Do you want to do it through.

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One-on-one clients.

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Do you want to do it through.

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Group programs.

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Do you want to do it through.

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Voxer chats, Marco polo chats.

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Digital guides.

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There are so many.

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Different ways to serve your audience.

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And so.

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Let yourself.

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Also get clear on how.

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You want to get the result that you want?

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And let go.

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Have any ideas you have on

how things are supposed to go?

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Or supposed to happen.

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And do your mind as you.

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Are getting into this mode of

getting clear on what you want.

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And how you want to get what you want.

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Your mind will probably

start to fight you.

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It'll start to give you reasons.

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That's not possible.

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Or why that won't work or why you

need to do things a certain way.

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And that's okay.

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Just acknowledge that.

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We're not in a place where

we need to worry about.

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What's realistic.

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We'll get there.

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And that's something that I

love helping people do is.

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First dream.

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But don't just stay in that dreaming mode.

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But to actually get into the.

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Make it realistic and possible

and pull it into your reality.

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So that will come later.

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But any time your, your

brain starts to tell you.

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You can't have what you want.

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It's not really realistic.

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It's not possible.

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You need to do things a certain way

in order to get that certain result.

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Just let it go.

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And stay in this place of first, just

getting clear on what you want and then.

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Later.

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We can go to that place of making it

realistic and seeing how it can work.

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And I just want to share some

examples of the power of.

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Getting really specific and clear.

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On what you want.

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So.

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My husband, Matt and I.

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Have.

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I don't know if always, but.

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Recently ish, maybe the last year or two.

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Started talking about

this idea that our dream.

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Would be.

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For both of us to have our own business.

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And to have both of us worked.

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Part-time.

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And.

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Initially that felt.

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Scary and very different

than the way that.

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We were raised and.

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All the things.

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But.

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We just kept.

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Nurturing the idea of that's what

we would really want for our family.

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And.

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That seems like that

would be a good fit for.

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My.

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Mental health and for.

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Mats.

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Epilepsy and.

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For.

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Spending time as a family and for the way

we can serve in the world, all the things.

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So we would often come

back to this idea of.

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That would be so cool.

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And then.

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I guess I was going to say

earlier this year, but I guess

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it's technically 20, 25 now.

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So end of 2024.

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Well, all through 2024 mats health.

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Was really.

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Uh, not great with his epilepsy.

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And so.

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He ended up.

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Finishing his full-time work.

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In email marketing and we just decided

we would wait a few months until we

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knew more about his upcoming surgeries

until we decided what was next for work.

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For him and really for a family.

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And in this time, We've realized that

what we thought was a far off dream of

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both just having our own businesses.

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Is actually our reality right

now and possible right now where.

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I have a business with

real reliable income.

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And Matt has a business with.

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A few clients that's growing.

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And.

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It's just crazy to see how.

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Allowing ourselves to say out

loud to each other, that this is

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the kind of life that we wanted.

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It's already become our reality much

sooner than we anticipated this happening.

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So that's just one example of.

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Being clear on what we wanted and then

seeing it come, come into fruition and.

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I could share hundreds of

examples of this type of thing.

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And sometimes it can feel

a little scary to admit.

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To ourselves that we want something.

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And there can be a lot of different

reasons that we're afraid to

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admit something, whether that's.

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You know, like this example of

all these beliefs I had about.

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People who had their own

businesses and didn't have a.

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Full time job.

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I had a lot of beliefs around that.

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, that was made it scary for me to

admit that this is what we wanted.

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But also, I think a lot of the fear of

admitting what we want comes from this

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fear of, well, what if I don't get it?

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And that that fear.

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Of that feeling.

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Of having violated expectations.

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So it's.

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It's less vulnerable and it's

safer to just not want things.

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Because if I don't want it, then I

won't be sad when I don't get it right.

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And so.

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We live in this, this.

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With that mindset.

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A lot of not letting ourselves want

things because we're scared of.

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The potential disappointment.

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And the potential.

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Yeah, the.

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Those.

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Feelings that could, could come

from violated expectations.

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So it's safer to just not want things.

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So just be aware if, if that's impacting

the way that you live, are you.

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Not getting what you want

because you're afraid.

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Two.

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Say that you want it and then not get it.

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And this brings us to this idea of

detachment and I plan on doing a.

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Whole podcast episode on

this idea of detachment.

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But.

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To me the difference.

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Or yeah, the idea of detachment is.

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Being able to.

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Want something and really want that.

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But to not need it.

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Those feel very different to me.

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If I.

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Need something to happen.

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It feels.

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Desperate.

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It feels.

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Graspy.

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It feels.

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Like, I can't be happy.

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I can't be fulfilled.

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I can't be.

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The satisfied until I get that thing.

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That I supposedly need.

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Whereas.

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Wanting something from

a place of detachment.

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Is wanting it.

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From a place of, I already

have everything that I need.

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I don't need that thing.

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To happen.

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In order to feel fulfilled

in order to feel.

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Satisfied in order to feel

like I'm enough as a person.

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I don't need it.

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And that, that makes the process of

working towards something that I want.

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A lot more fun.

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And flowy.

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Because it's not from a place

of needing it to happen.

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And so that's a question

that I often will ask myself.

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Very frequently.

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Is there something that

I'm secretly needing?

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From my business.

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Do I want certain results to happen.

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In my business.

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So that I can feel.

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Validated so that I can feel like

I'm enough so that I can feel like.

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I'm worthy.

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So that I can have connections.

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What am I secretly needing?

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From that thing that I want.

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And how can I make sure those needs

are getting met somewhere else

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in something that I already have?

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And that.

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Yeah, just really recognizing the

difference between needing something and

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wanting something and anything you start

any time you start to feel like you need.

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That thing that you want.

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Hopefully this isn't getting too

wordy, but bring yourself back

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to that place of detachment.

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And reminding yourself, I

already have everything I need.

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I don't need that.

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And I want it.

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Okay.

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So I want to.

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Give you some more practical

strategies for getting clear on what.

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You personally.

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Won't.

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One of the easiest ways to

get clear on what you want.

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Is too.

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Get clear on what you don't want.

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So.

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Often.

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Aye.

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Get what I want.

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When I'm living.

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In a way that I don't want,

or with something or a

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situation that I don't want.

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And so, as an example of this.

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I had always dreamed of.

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Being a stay-at-home mom.

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I got a degree in statistics.

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And I had people ask me all the time.

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Y I was pursuing.

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That type of degree.

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When.

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I was planning to be a stay-at-home mom.

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Like.

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Y.

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Why was it worth it, which.

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I could.

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I go on a whole rant about that.

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But just, just to share yeah.

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That.

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People would ask, what are you going

to do with a degree in statistics?

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I want to be a stay-at-home mum.

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That was my plan.

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And.

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You might relate where after I had.

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My first son.

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I was extremely.

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Board.

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And lonely.

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And I was craving.

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Adult interaction and I was craving.

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Mental stimulation and a purpose.

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Outside of caregiving.

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And I didn't know, that's what I wanted

until I experienced what I didn't want.

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So first I experienced being bored.

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And lonely.

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And because of that, I was able to

get clear on this idea that I wanted.

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Something a project.

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Outside of caregiving alone.

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And that's what led to me,

ultimately starting my business.

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And so that's just one example where the

way that I got clear about what I wanted

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was by experiencing what I didn't want.

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And so.

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If there are things coming

up for you right now in your

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life that you don't like.

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Maybe it's.

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How you feel, maybe it's certain

results in your business.

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Maybe it's the type of clients

that you're working with.

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Maybe it's.

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How much money you're making, maybe it's.

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The type of work that you're doing,

maybe it's how you're spending your time.

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Anything that you don't like right now?

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That is a great opportunity.

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Two.

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Get clear on what you don't want.

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So that you can get even more

clear on what you do want.

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And it might not be something that

you are experiencing and might be.

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You know, when you think about the future.

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You can start with that prompt.

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Here's what I know.

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I don't want.

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I know I don't want to be in debt.

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I know I don't want.

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To have zero clients.

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I know I don't want.

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Whatever it is.

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And then that can help you

get clear on what you do want.

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It can also be helpful

as a practical strategy.

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For getting clear on what you want.

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To go through categories.

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You could do business as a whole,

or you could get more specific.

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Here's what I know I want or don't want.

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About.

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How much money I want to make.

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The type of work I want to do.

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How much time I want to be

spending on my business.

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How I want to make that money.

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Some other categories that I.

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Have addressed more.

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Holistically, not just in my business.

495

:

Are getting clear on what I want.

496

:

With how I spend my time.

497

:

How do I want to spend my time?

498

:

What do I want to consume?

499

:

As far as.

500

:

Media.

501

:

Books shows, podcasts, music,

movies, things like that.

502

:

What do I want to consume?

503

:

What do we want to.

504

:

Put in my body.

505

:

How do I want my body to feel.

506

:

What do I want my body to be able to do.

507

:

What do I want my time with.

508

:

Matt to look like.

509

:

What do I want my relationship

with Matt to look like?

510

:

What do I want my time

with my kids to look like.

511

:

What do I want my relationship

with my kids to look like.

512

:

And again, just a reminder of that concept

that we touched on that at the beginning.

513

:

As you go through these, it will be

easy to slip into what's realistic,

514

:

but let go of what's realistic.

515

:

Let go of what's possible.

516

:

And just.

517

:

Go to this place.

518

:

W what do you actually want?

519

:

What.

520

:

You know, , that prompt that

is quite popular is if anything

521

:

were possible, what would I want?

522

:

And each of these categories,

523

:

So I gave a lot of different examples.

524

:

Of questions.

525

:

That related to different categories.

526

:

And.

527

:

You can decide on what

categories work for you.

528

:

But if you're wanting just

a basic place to start.

529

:

You can start with.

530

:

God.

531

:

And your spirituality.

532

:

What do you want with that?

533

:

From that?

534

:

What do you want?

535

:

From your business.

536

:

What do you want?

537

:

With different relationships.

538

:

Relationship with yourself.

539

:

Relationship with.

540

:

Your husband relationship with your

kids relationship with friends.

541

:

Et cetera.

542

:

And then the fourth category.

543

:

I would be your body and your physical.

544

:

Once.

545

:

So that could be.

546

:

Nutrition exercise.

547

:

Mental wellness.

548

:

Even like your.

549

:

Physical surroundings.

550

:

So like, Your home or where you live.

551

:

Cleanliness things like that.

552

:

This can give you a place to start.

553

:

As those four categories.

554

:

So God and spirituality.

555

:

Here business.

556

:

Relationships.

557

:

And then.

558

:

Physical.

559

:

So.

560

:

Body and.

561

:

Environment.

562

:

And when you are.

563

:

Getting clear about what you want.

564

:

I have found that.

565

:

What you actually want.

566

:

Is probably much deeper.

567

:

Then what you think you want.

568

:

So I'll use.

569

:

Money as an example.

570

:

If you're listening to this podcast.

571

:

If you've followed along

my journey as I have.

572

:

Leaned into business coaching.

573

:

You probably want to make

money from your business.

574

:

Whether that's.

575

:

Some money, maybe you've never made

money or maybe you want to make.

576

:

More money from your business,

or maybe you want to make.

577

:

A certain amount of money consistently.

578

:

That you probably have a desire.

579

:

Four.

580

:

Making money from your business.

581

:

And.

582

:

I would encourage you to ask yourself why.

583

:

Why do you want to make money?

584

:

And you might be interested

to see what comes up.

585

:

Is it so you can.

586

:

Feel like you are.

587

:

A successful.

588

:

Qualified.

589

:

In what you do.

590

:

Is it so that you can use that money to.

591

:

Spend on.

592

:

Vacations with your family.

593

:

Is it so that.

594

:

You.

595

:

Don't need to be as tight or

strict with your finances.

596

:

You have more.

597

:

Flexibility for.

598

:

Giving gifts to people or going

out to eat as a family or.

599

:

Maybe you like.

600

:

I want to spend more money on.

601

:

Clothes for yourselves,

or maybe you want to make.

602

:

Certain investments in.

603

:

Your business or.

604

:

You know, that could get really complex

on why you want to make more money.

605

:

But then for.

606

:

Each of those things that come up

of why you want to make more money.

607

:

Ask yourself.

608

:

Why?

609

:

Again?

610

:

Y Y Y.

611

:

Y.

612

:

Do you want to spend

your money on that thing?

613

:

And then when you get your

answer for that, Ask again, why?

614

:

And just keep asking why until you get to.

615

:

That deepest level of why you want.

616

:

To make money.

617

:

And.

618

:

Like I said on the surface

level, it may seem like you.

619

:

Have a really clear.

620

:

Amount of money.

621

:

Or a certain result that

you want in your business.

622

:

But when you get deeper.

623

:

It's usually something.

624

:

More related to.

625

:

How you.

626

:

I want to feel.

627

:

And the powerful thing is.

628

:

You don't have to wait.

629

:

To get.

630

:

That result.

631

:

Uh, what you think that you want?

632

:

To feel that way now you can.

633

:

Feel that way.

634

:

Without.

635

:

Making a certain amount

of money for that example.

636

:

And that's the crazy thing is that.

637

:

The more you think about what you want.

638

:

And get clear on what you want.

639

:

Often you realize that.

640

:

In a lot of ways you have everything

you want that there's often just.

641

:

Really small tweaks.

642

:

Of.

643

:

What you want next?

644

:

And it reminds me.

645

:

Matt, my husband was.

646

:

I think it was just feeling.

647

:

Down and just, yeah, just.

648

:

Feeling down and wanting more from life.

649

:

And.

650

:

His sister, he was talking with his

sister and she pointed out to him.

651

:

That.

652

:

That you've already made it.

653

:

Like.

654

:

You own a home, you have this amazing job.

655

:

You have this.

656

:

Wonderful wife and beautiful children.

657

:

And.

658

:

You've made it, this is what you've been

working towards and it can be so easy.

659

:

To miss.

660

:

What we've been wanting and realize that.

661

:

We've already made it right.

662

:

That.

663

:

Sometimes we get so.

664

:

Stuck in our future ambitions

and dreams and what we want next.

665

:

That we miss.

666

:

The amazing.

667

:

Things that we dreamed of in the

past that we now are experiencing.

668

:

And I think.

669

:

That is a.

670

:

It will always be a.

671

:

Something to balance two.

672

:

Not get so lost in what you want next.

673

:

That you miss out on

what you have right now.

674

:

And.

675

:

Not.

676

:

Gaslighting yourself that you

shouldn't want more because you have

677

:

such a good life right now that.

678

:

I believe it's good to get clear

about what you want and to want more.

679

:

I think.

680

:

It's it's part of our.

681

:

Nature to want more.

682

:

And I think there are really

good things about that, of.

683

:

Becoming more becoming better,

wanting more that's to me, I, I

684

:

believe that can be a really good.

685

:

Quality.

686

:

And so it's just that.

687

:

Paradox.

688

:

That.

689

:

I think we'll always be playing with.

690

:

And the last thing that I will

say about this concept is.

691

:

Aye.

692

:

Believe in involving God in these

conversations, it doesn't feel like.

693

:

This place of just being super vain

or selfish of this is what I want.

694

:

And then I'm going to.

695

:

Tell God and demand that he give it to me.

696

:

No, I feel like.

697

:

Often when I'm in this place of

trying to get clear on what I want.

698

:

It feels like a conversation

with God and involving God in.

699

:

Being really honest of, I think this

is what I want and asking for him

700

:

to help guide me in getting clear.

701

:

And what I want.

702

:

So just to finish up my.

703

:

Thoughts today on this skill of.

704

:

Getting what you want.

705

:

I really believe it

starts with being able to.

706

:

Express what you want.

707

:

Without attachment.

708

:

But just letting yourself.

709

:

Express what you want.

710

:

And I really think as I look back.

711

:

On my life, especially

these last few years.

712

:

Since I've become more of this.

713

:

Type of work.

714

:

There were times when I just was

a victim of my circumstances.

715

:

And.

716

:

Sad and lonely and bored.

717

:

And the real times when.

718

:

I realized that.

719

:

I let myself dream of a different reality.

720

:

And.

721

:

Allowed myself to think

about what I actually want.

722

:

And.

723

:

It's amazing how you

really do get creative in.

724

:

Making things work when you

can first just get clear about.

725

:

What you want.

726

:

And.

727

:

It's it's constant

tweaking as things come up.

728

:

It's really fun for me.

729

:

She recognized like, oh,

this is not what I want.

730

:

I.

731

:

Don't like this about my

life or whatever it is.

732

:

This is an opportunity for me to

get clear about what I do want.

733

:

And That's how it happens

is letting myself.

734

:

Want things and get clear about that.

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About the Podcast

Mindful with Media
This is the podcast for entrepreneurial moms who want to grow a meaningful, profitable business without sacrificing their other priorities (like spending time with their kids or getting enough sleep).

Host Alex Fales—business coach, mindset mentor, and mom—shares honest conversations, simple strategies, and powerful mindset shifts to help you and make money doing work you love and grow as a person while you're at it.

Expect solo episodes, authentic chats, and real-life stories that help you blend business strategy with personal growth, so you can build a business that supports your life (not the other way around).

Because you don’t need more hustle.
You need clarity, confidence, and the courage to do business your way.