Episode 72

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Published on:

15th Jan 2025

72 | Someone needs what only you can offer // with Ashlyn Demars

Ashlyn Demars is a mom of 2 little boys, a nurse, and a "recovering perfectionist." In this episode Ashlyn shares about her recent book on perfectionism: Every Little Dandelion

Helpful Links:

Every Little Dandelion

Episode 55: What kind of imposter syndrome do you have?

"Change and growth are promoted through positive emotions more than through disciplined practice." ~Whitney Johnson

@thelatterdayladies (Jennie Moss)

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Transcript
Speaker:

I'm Alex, and you're listening to the Mindful with Media podcast.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: I'm so

grateful to have Ashlyn DeMars here today.

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She's gonna share about a book that she

wrote, and we'll get more into that later.

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But before that, will

you introduce yourself?

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Ashlyn Demars: Yeah, I'm Ashlyn.

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I'm a mom of two cute little kiddos

and I am a nurse and I love writing.

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It's just my hobby right now though.

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And I don't know what

else you want to know.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: I had

forgotten that you were a nurse.

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Are you actively working

as a nurse right now?

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Ashlyn Demars: I did

Until We Moved last month.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Okay.

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Ashlyn Demars: Yeah, but I

just did really limited hours.

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My job was really flexible with me

and let me just kind of come into work

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whenever I had time to and wanted to.

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So

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Alex | Mindful with Media:

That's really nice.

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Where were you working?

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Like, what kind of nurse were you?

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Ashlyn Demars: same day surgery,

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Okay, cool.

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That's

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Ashlyn Demars: getting people ready for

surgery and recovering them afterwards.

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Yeah.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: That's nice.

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Cause that's probably

like normal hours, right?

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Like not night shifts.

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Ashlyn Demars: Yep, exactly.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: That's cool.

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I'd forgotten about that.

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So your book is called every

little dandelion, right?

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And what inspired that title?

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Ashlyn Demars: So while I was on my

mission, the mission therapist came

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and had a little like group session

with the four missionaries in my area.

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And she and her husband shared an analogy

that I really loved that have resonated

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with me and stuck with me for a long time.

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And I've kind of built upon that

imagery throughout my life and

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used it in different scenarios.

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And so the whole book is

based off of that analogy.

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So just imagine that, you know, the cutest

little kid who you adore comes running up

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to you and they're so excited and they're

like, look, look what I have for you.

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And they hand you this

bouquet of dandelions.

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And your reaction to them is likely

going to be thrilled gratitude.

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You know, you're going to be so excited.

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I love these!

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Thank you so much!

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Despite the fact that they

are wreaths, not flowers.

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Right?

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And it's the idea that

God is the same with us.

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So when we bring him our offerings,

even when they genuinely are weeds,

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not flowers, he responds with thrilled

gratitude, and he is so excited and

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joyful to receive our imperfect offerings.

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And so the book is three

sections of stories.

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I've interviewed women with stories,

all different types of stories.

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And then I write their

stories in first person.

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And then I have a little

essay that I wrote afterwards.

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And the first section of the book is

about Just give the dang dandelion,

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you know, when you feel like your

offering isn't good enough and

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that's keeping you from wanting to

give it just give the dang dandelion

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because it's okay if it's imperfect.

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And so it's stories about that.

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The second section is about

accepting dandelions from people

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around us, because everyone else

is also giving imperfect offerings.

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And then the third section is about

recognizing the beauty and the value

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in dandelions in our lives, even

as we're waiting for the promised

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flowers and blessings that God has.

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But being able to accept and value the

downed alliance in the waiting periods.

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Alex | Mindful with Media:

That is so beautiful.

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I'm excited to hear more about

it and read the book myself.

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What a, yeah, I love that that analogy

like plays through the whole book.

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That's really cool.

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I love that.

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Ashlyn Demars: Thanks.

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Yeah.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: I'd love

if you can share more from your

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personal life and your personal

experiences, how perfectionism

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has impacted you.

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Ashlyn Demars: Well, I mean,

I think it impacts everybody.

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I don't think there is a single one of

us who isn't a recovering perfectionist

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or whatever that trendy phrase is.

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Alex | Mindful with Media:

is so true, right?

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Ashlyn Demars: But I think for me,

I, I, it interacts with everybody in

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their lives a little bit differently.

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And so for me, most

commonly, I find myself.

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Not even necessarily comparing myself

to other people or even to an ideal,

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but comparing myself to my past self.

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And so, when I hit up against periods in

life where I'm taking on something new

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I find myself, you know, beating myself

up for not being able to accomplish

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or be the type of person that I was

previously in a different phase of life.

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And that, you know, replays

all the time, right?

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It happened when I got

home from a mission.

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It happened when I had my first baby.

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It happened when I started.

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Working a different job or different

amount of time than before it started

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when I had my second baby, you

know, it's, it's every time that you

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transition into a new phase of life.

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I have that feeling of like,

I'm not living up to who I know

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I can live up to because I've

seen myself do it in the past.

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And that type of perfectionism

is kind of tricky.

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It's true.

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I know I can, I can do that, but I also

have to give myself grace and recognize

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that I'm learning a new phase of life.

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And so that's definitely the kind of

perfectionism that gets me down the most.

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And in the darkest times of that the

way that the perfectionism hurts me

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most, it's biggest symptom, I guess,

is It keeps me from wanting to try

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anything, wanting to start anything.

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of the fear of failing the fear of not

even necessarily the fall or the pain of

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falling, but the pain of looking back up

and seeing how far you fell, you know,

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Interesting.

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Interesting.

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So, like, before you even, you know, do

that new thing, you know, take on the new

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job or have a new baby or whatever it is.

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It's that fear of, I don't want to

do that because I know I'm going to

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have to look back at where I am now

and I'm not going to be the same,

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not be able to do the same thing.

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Kind of like that.

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Ashlyn Demars: it can be that.

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And the way that I see it most frequently,

like day to day is after the change

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has come, it's not even wanting to try

and do the normal things that I was

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Alex | Mindful with Media:

Oh, interesting.

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Ashlyn Demars: capable of

accomplishing them now.

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So, you know, it's, it's waking

up in the morning and not

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feeling capable of doing them.

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Doing my normal routine because I

know I'm not going to be able to do

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it all as productively and efficiently

as I did before, and I don't want

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to have to see myself fail at it.

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And so, you know, it's just those really

simple things, you know, not feeling

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like I want to get up and exercise

or read the scriptures or journal or

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any of the things that I usually do,

because I know I'm not going to get

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to the end of the day and feel as

productive and successful as I used to.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Yes.

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Like that all or nothing mentality

of like, It's not even worth trying.

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It's so interesting, like you say,

how perfectionism impacts everyone

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differently, like the way that it looks.

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I like never considered

myself a perfectionist.

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Like I just, like, it's easy for me to

see like in my husband, like perfectionist

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tendencies or like, I don't know.

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I just, It's easier for me to see in

other people like those perfectionist

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tendencies, but especially since starting

my business it has brought up like, holy

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cow, like like you say, like we're all

perfectionists in one way or another,

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like however it shows up, where it's so

sneaky and it, it can feel so vulnerable

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to accept that I am not perfect.

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And yeah, just that, that

feeling of accepting.

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So I totally agree with that.

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So how do you balance this

pursuit of pursuing excellence

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and still, still trying with that

with letting go of perfectionism?

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Ashlyn Demars: I love that question.

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I mean, it's an ongoing process.

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It's not one that's

ever really done, right?

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But I think one of the things

that, you know, when you're just

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sitting, I feel like I was maybe

At a fireside or something.

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I don't even remember when and you kind

of feel like you're getting inspiration

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that doesn't actually have anything

to do with what's being talked about.

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You

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Yes.

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Yes.

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Ashlyn Demars: I was like, Okay,

you're sitting here listening.

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So we're gonna have a little one

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Alex | Mindful with Media: It's so true.

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Ashlyn Demars: of those times.

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And so I don't know what inspired

it because I don't know anything to

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do with the speaker was I remember

feeling very strongly impressed that

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God was telling me that he is easily

pleased, but not easily satisfied.

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And the reason that that phrase was

so important and impactful in my life

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is that I could be happy and proud

of the fact that I was pleasing him

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with whatever I was trying to do and

know that he still wants more from me.

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He still wants me to keep trying.

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He's still going to give me new tasks

and new trials and new ways to improve.

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And the fact that he's not yet

satisfied with my finished product

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doesn't mean that he's not pleased

with where I'm at right now.

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And so that's been a big lesson

in my life that I always have

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to keep relearning, right.

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Is that it's always.

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of a scale.

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You don't want to go too far towards

perfectionism, but we're not also aiming

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for a low effort life here either.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Yeah.

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Ashlyn Demars: And we're aiming for a life

where we know that our divine worth is

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not diminished by struggle or by failure.

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And at the same time, we know that our

divine potential is beyond comprehension,

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which gives us permission to dream

big and work hard and put in all

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the effort and be vulnerable in that

level of effort that we're putting in.

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Because.

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We're not worried about our divine

worth being affected by the failure that

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might happen when we put in that effort.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Yes.

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. It reminds me of what's that?

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Yeah.

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Like, I don't know, what's that called?

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A matrix?

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A quadrant?

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Like, you know what I mean?

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Like, that I've heard described,

whether that it's like as God or like

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in parenting, where it's like high love,

high expectations, and like that's, that's

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the area you want to be in as a parent

or like in the way that you view God.

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And I think I've slipped

into Misunderstanding that of

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like those high expectations.

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Like scrupulosity anyway, , but like you

say, it's this ongoing thing, but I think

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if we can figure that out, like how to

have those high expectations for ourself.

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while also understanding that divine

love and that high love and worthiness.

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That's a really powerful place to be.

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Ashlyn Demars: Yeah.

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And something you said just made

me think of, you know, you said

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high expectations for ourselves.

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And I think that maybe part of

what we can do is take it to God.

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So it's not about our

expectations of ourselves.

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But we're trying to actually

learn what his expectations of

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us are in this moment, right?

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Those expectations are going to change

throughout our lives in different times.

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And so I feel like sometimes when I

get too focused on my own expectations

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for myself, I might be looking

beyond the mark and really focused

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on things that aren't necessarily

his priority for me in that moment.

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And I'm a little self centered.

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In my desire to become better.

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And so when I can, you know, step away

from looking just at myself, be self

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aware instead of self centered and

really step back and look at him and

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my relationship with him and let him

determine what those expectations should

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be right now, I think that can be helpful

in, you know, being able to still keep

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sight of his love at the same time too.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Yes.

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Because they aren't our expectations.

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They're his expectations.

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And like you said, in the moment, like,

because of what you were saying earlier,

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This is just like a tiny picture.

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Like this is a journey of

forever towards perfection.

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And that takes a lot of the

pressure off of just like, this

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is just all part of the process.

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Ashlyn Demars: Yes, definitely.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: So like

kind of back to the book itself,

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was there anything surprising or

unexpected that you learned about

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yourself while writing the book?

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Ashlyn Demars: I mean, just that,

you know, I always have to keep

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learning this lesson, even if I've

learned it over and over again.

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You know, I, I feel like in this

particular moment what I needed was

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to finish something, was to like

accomplish this dream of writing

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a book that I've always had.

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And so I, I did my best to have it be a

good product, but I also did not spend

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Like all of the effort and money that

I could have on the editing process and

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going through like the refining to, I

feel like, hopefully I feel like I still

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gave something good, but I, I could have

definitely, you know, gone through a

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traditional publishing route or, or done

other things to make it more polished.

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And I had a hard time not

getting caught up in that.

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And then I had to keep remembering

like, That's hypocritical if I, you

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know, like I need to be done with

this and put it out there for the

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world and I keep not that I'm not just

giving the dang dandelion to myself.

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Alex | Mindful with Media:

Yes, yes, exactly.

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Ashlyn Demars: And it really is,

because, you know, the first time I

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picked up the physical copy of the

book and started flipping through it, I

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noticed a typo in the first few pages,

and I was like, are you kidding me?

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It was so, it would have been so easy,

you know, I almost got caught up in

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being, like, beating myself up for

that, and like, I should have just

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worked on it longer before I sent

it out so I didn't have that typo.

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And then I had to be like, you know what?

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That typo probably isn't going to

mean that whoever's reading it can't

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get what they need to out of it.

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You know, it's going to

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Alex | Mindful with Media: maybe that's

exactly what they'll get out of it

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is Ashlyn published this book, , and

a lot of us don't accomplish what

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we can because like you say, like

there is, it can be polished more.

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It's not like it's a beautiful tulip.

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It is still a dandelion.

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Like, I'm not saying like

your, your book is like a

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Ashlyn Demars: Oh, it is!

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Alex | Mindful with Media: you

know, it's like our offerings.

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are imperfect.

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And, and we know internally that we

can do better and we'll never get

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anything out there or do anything if

we're waiting until it's polished.

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Like, and like, you're, I assume, well,

I don't know, maybe you won't, but

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like, I assume you'll write more books

and they'll be even better because You

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just got this one out there or like,

maybe you'll, you'll polish this one

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again in the future, but like what was

right right now was to finish it and

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publish it and, and get it out there.

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Ashlyn Demars: Not that that's

what's right for everybody, right?

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Like, if you're writing a book,

and you feel like you need

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to edit it more, that's okay.

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You know, like, all of your But, yes.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: And I

always like to ask like, is this.

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Perfectionism speaking or is this like my

true like intuition, the spirit speaking?

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And when you ask yourself that question,

it's like pretty clear which one it is.

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Ashlyn Demars: it's like And, if you

feel like you're having a hard time,

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Being able to tell like people around

you can help you tell you that too.

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You know, they can see where

you're at your headspace and be

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able to be like, I think you're

being overly anxious about this.

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Or like, I think that you, if you

feel like you can do better and

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you want to, then go for it, you

know, they can encourage it to just,

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Yeah.

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I love that.

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Asking other people around you, asking

God like to help with that distinction.

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Ashlyn Demars: Yeah, for sure.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: What practical

advice or strategies do you suggest for

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those struggling with perfectionism?

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Ashlyn Demars: Well,

it's hard to pick one.

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Cause I mean, that's what

the whole book is about.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: I know

and I'm like I'd love to hear

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some like stories or snippets or

things like from the book itself.

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Ashlyn Demars: Yeah.

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Well, one of the little,

I don't know, insights.

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In the book that I wrote about that I

always have loved is when I, so I served

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my mission in Russia and Russian, the

Russian language, you know, we had a

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dictionary that was like six inches thick,

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Oh my gosh.

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Ashlyn Demars: old and the first half of

it was, English to Russian dictionary.

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And the second half of it was

Russian to English, where you

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Russian word and see the English.

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I'm just, you know, so I was,

I learned very early on that.

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I better look at both sides after some

mishaps in translating, really awkward.

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Wasn't exactly what I

thought I was saying.

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And so one time I was, I was translating

the word success for a lesson.

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And so I looked up in

the English side, like.

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success and saw which Russian words

meant that and the one that I found

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was So then I flipped to the Russian

side and I looked up the word

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to see what it meant in English.

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And the first words in the definition were

actually progress, advancement, headway.

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And I loved that, that if you took the

two sides of that dictionary, it gave you

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this equation that was, you know, progress

equals success or success equals progress.

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And I think that that is so powerful to

remember is that it's all about starting,

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even if it means starting really small.

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So, you know, my dream

was to write a book.

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That was not my goal first.

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My dream was to publish a book.

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That was not my goal first, right?

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My first goal was to sit

down and write the intro.

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Or to sit down and write an outline.

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And so, you know, start

really, really small.

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Think about the smallest baby

step you can break it down

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to and accomplish that first.

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Because the movement forward is the

most effective thing to break yourself

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out of a cycle of perfectionism.

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Thank you.

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And so, you know, start small, just do

something, even if you think you're going

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to have to trash it, you know, even if

you're not going to be happy with the

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results of that very first baby step,

just the momentum, use that to help

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you start again on the next baby step.

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And that process and praising yourself

for the progress and completion

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of a step, even if it's not the

step you eventually want to be

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accomplishing is really powerful.

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Yeah.

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Even from like a scientific standpoint,

you know, like the, the power of

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those tiny steps and celebrating

those little wins is crazy.

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Like the neuroscience behind that.

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Ashlyn Demars: Totally.

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And that just made me think of my, at

our wedding breakfast, my parent, we

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had our parents give us little pieces

of advice and my, my dad's advice

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to us was, you know, think about a

magnifying glass and how, when you look

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through it, it magnifies and focuses

on whatever you're aiming it at.

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It doesn't just magnify everything.

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And so, and, you know, his

advice for marriage was.

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Aim that magnifying glass at the things

that you want to be magnified and

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want to focus and have grow bigger.

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And and that's the same,

I think, in our art.

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Own view of ourselves and our progress

is, you know, aim your mental focus

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at the things that you want to grow.

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So aim your mental focus at the completion

of that small baby step at the tiny

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successes, celebrate them because that

focus is going to magnify those successes.

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But if you're only focusing on your

failures, if you're only focusing

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on what you haven't accomplished

yet, if you're only focusing on that

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to do list of empty check boxes,

that's going to be what grows.

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You're going to get more and more

empty check boxes on that list.

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Do you know?

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Alex | Mindful with Media: Yes.

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It's so true.

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It's so true.

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Yeah.

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I remember learning I should look up the

actual thing because I'm like the queen

365

:

of annoyed of when people make up things

but like I read somewhere that your belief

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:

about yourself and what you've already

accomplished is like a greater predictor

367

:

for what you'll achieve in the future

than like any goals any like, You know

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:

like plan you have to get to those goals.

369

:

It's like your belief about what

you've already done is like a greater

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:

predictor than anything else, which

is like I think exactly you're saying

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:

of like, what are you focusing on?

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:

Like, what do you believe

about yourself that you have

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:

accomplished and can accomplish?

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Ashlyn Demars: Yeah, absolutely.

375

:

I love that.

376

:

I didn't know that.

377

:

I'll have to look that up too.

378

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: I know I'll

find the real thing and send it to you

379

:

and I'll include it in the show notes too.

380

:

It's probably like way different

than what I actually said, but

381

:

that was what I got from it.

382

:

Ashlyn Demars: what?

383

:

What you got from it was still an

insight to me, so it doesn't matter.

384

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Which

actually kind of makes me think about

385

:

like, you getting this book out or

like perfectionism in general of like,

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:

if you believe like, I've already

published a book or like, I've already

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:

done this thing, however imperfectly,

that belief is going to foster, you

388

:

know, more growth in the future and more

389

:

Ashlyn Demars: Yeah,

390

:

Alex | Mindful with Media:

success in the future.

391

:

Ashlyn Demars: that's so true.

392

:

I mean, it's the whole idea

of a glass ceiling, right?

393

:

Where the furthest thing we know

someone has accomplished is kind of

394

:

this glass ceiling that Once it gets

broken, then all of a sudden everyone

395

:

can like, my husband's a huge runner.

396

:

He loves, loves running.

397

:

And so I could tell everything wrong

about this, but you know, the first person

398

:

who did the four minute mile is that,

399

:

Alex | Mindful with Media:

yeah, yeah, that was it.

400

:

Ashlyn Demars: No, he, they had

him in like a chamber to give

401

:

him the optimal conditions.

402

:

Like, you know, everything was like

perfectly tailored so that he could run

403

:

this four minute mile that no one had

ever, ever been able to do, you know, and,

404

:

and he was an incredible runner, but he

breaks this Barrier this four minute mile.

405

:

And then all of a sudden,

so many athletes can do

406

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: like

now everyone like not everyone but

407

:

like it's like pretty attainable

to like break the 400 mile

408

:

Ashlyn Demars: Yes.

409

:

And so it's, it's, you know, that idea

that's, that's true across the world

410

:

is once a glass ceiling is broken, it's

more achievable to accomplish that goal.

411

:

It's the same thing in our lives.

412

:

You know, once you break your own

glass ceilings, it makes it more

413

:

achievable for you to continue to hit

those mile markers over and over again.

414

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Yeah,

this is like a little bit unrelated.

415

:

So I might cut this part out but My

husband and I were just talking about

416

:

oh, we were I don't know why but we were

watching like high jump Videos from over

417

:

the years and then there was that one

guy who like changed the form of like

418

:

how to jump over the high jump thing and

then it just like changed the world of

419

:

high jump and we were just commenting

on like what are things that either

420

:

like we do or like the world does right

now that we haven't discovered yet of

421

:

like a new way to do things and that

can also be in our personal lives like

422

:

I don't know just being open to the

idea of that there might be like this

423

:

breakthrough way of changing the way we

do things that could change everything.

424

:

Ashlyn Demars: That's true.

425

:

And it doesn't even have

to change everything.

426

:

Like on a global scale, it can just

change everything for you and your

427

:

family right then, you know, like

428

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Yes.

429

:

Ashlyn Demars: it made me think of like

the smallest, simplest thing, but I was

430

:

just talking to a friend that I just made

here in Virginia, and we were talking

431

:

about family scripture study at night

and how it's been really hard because

432

:

she has like older kids and younger kids

who are Aren't really ready for like the

433

:

older level of scriptures, but her older

kids are and will be bored if they just

434

:

do like the picture book scriptures.

435

:

And so it's really hard to like

navigate how to make scripture

436

:

study happen in a meaningful way for

everybody in the family right then.

437

:

And you know, since I was coming from

like outside of it and hadn't been like

438

:

Caught up in this and I don't have older

kids yet I was like well I guess you could

439

:

just like read the picture book scriptures

with your little ones when you're putting

440

:

them to bed at night and then do You

know, your scripture study with the

441

:

older ones, with the older scriptures.

442

:

And like, that's probably okay.

443

:

If you don't do scripture study

with everybody at the same time,

444

:

right, right now in your family.

445

:

And she was like, Oh, that could

be perfect for us right now.

446

:

kind of feels like the standard.

447

:

It feels like the stereotype that

like the whole family gathers and does

448

:

the same scripture study at the same

time, you know, and so that's one of

449

:

those things, like change the form.

450

:

It's okay if it doesn't look exactly

like it seems like it's supposed

451

:

to look like and it might be better

for you in the moment, you know,

452

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Yeah, just

like letting go of the idea of how

453

:

it should be, which I think comes

back to the perfectionism, right?

454

:

Of like, family scripture study is

supposed to be as a family altogether.

455

:

Any other.

456

:

Stories from the book or like things

from the book specifically that you

457

:

think would be helpful to share today.

458

:

Ashlyn Demars: Is there anything you're

kind of wanting your like podcast

459

:

listeners to be able to get out of

this you can kind of direct me so I

460

:

know like which story to go towards.

461

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: let's see.

462

:

I would say the thing that people struggle

with the most like That I work with.

463

:

this, this struggle of knowing, , kind

of like we were talking about earlier,

464

:

of like, I know that, , this product

could be better if I spent more time

465

:

on it, but, I would work on it forever.

466

:

Basically they're like spending so much

time either like creating content or

467

:

creating offers, or I would say mostly

that creating content and creating

468

:

offers or creating podcasts episodes

because they want it to be like this

469

:

beautiful polished thing, but then

they never act on it or do anything

470

:

or like get it out into the world.

471

:

Ashlyn Demars: You're here.

472

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: So

I would say anything related

473

:

to that is probably helpful.

474

:

Ashlyn Demars: Okay.

475

:

Yeah, I think that one of the stories that

I share, I actually stole with permission

476

:

from a social media influencer and artist

who I love Jenny Moss, if you've ever seen

477

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Jenny Moss.

478

:

I don't think so.

479

:

I'll have to send me

like her link after and

480

:

Ashlyn Demars: I will send you her stuff

so you can put it in the show notes.

481

:

But she shared a story on her social

media one time that I was like,

482

:

Oh, this has to be in the book.

483

:

Cause it just felt like a perfect little.

484

:

You know, example she shares a story

about going to drop her husband

485

:

and kids off to go to a baptism.

486

:

And she was going to leave with her other

son to go on a little mother son date.

487

:

And so they're in the parking lot and she

felt the spirit tell her to go inside.

488

:

And she looked down and she was

like, I'm wearing ripped jeans.

489

:

Like I can't go to a

baptism in ripped jeans.

490

:

But she listened to the prompting and

she went inside and she, you know, felt

491

:

like she needed to sit on the couch in

the lobby, which also felt uncomfortable.

492

:

She's like welcoming everyone coming in

in this, you know, ripped jeans outfit

493

:

she was feeling awkward about and A

couple minutes later, the missionaries

494

:

walked in with a family who were

obviously coming to, you know, see the

495

:

church and they were dressed up nicely.

496

:

She could tell they like tried to get

ready, but they were all wearing jeans.

497

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Oh.

498

:

Ashlyn Demars: she could kind of see as

they walked in and were greeted by, you

499

:

know, men in suits, their faces kind of

be like, Oh, we are not dressed right.

500

:

And then she looked over and made

eye contact with her sitting on the

501

:

couch and her ripped jeans and just,

you know, had this smile of relief.

502

:

And, you know, it wasn't

this any big thing.

503

:

She just smiled at her and waved, but

it was exactly what that woman needed

504

:

in the moment, which is just so how

God works, you know, he's so about

505

:

the one and just putting us all in

the right places for just one woman,

506

:

one family, right when we need him.

507

:

And I loved that story that she shared.

508

:

And so I, you know, re shared it in

the book because it's so easy to tell

509

:

ourselves that there's no way that

people need what we have to give.

510

:

There's no way that people need my

ripped jeans, you know, my holy jeans.

511

:

But we're really limiting God.

512

:

And his power, when we do that, when

we try to tell him that what we are,

513

:

isn't what anybody could actually

need or what he actually needs,

514

:

we're really limiting his ability

here on earth to work through us.

515

:

And that is not something I

ever want to do limit, you know?

516

:

And so I think that's, it's just, it's

so important that we don't assume that we

517

:

know what the needs are and that we have

to polish or perfect her offering in a

518

:

specific way to fit these tailored needs.

519

:

When we don't have the full picture,

we don't know what those needs are.

520

:

The needs might actually be

the imperfections in our work.

521

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Oh my gosh,

that story gives me chills and just that

522

:

phrase that you said, like the needs

might actually be the imperfections

523

:

in our, work in our offerings.

524

:

And I do think of like, so many of

the women that I work with have felt

525

:

called to start their businesses.

526

:

They usually don't call

it a business at first.

527

:

They usually just feel called to like,

start putting something out into the

528

:

world, either showing up on social media,

starting a podcast, writing a book.

529

:

And it's like, kind of like you say,

getting caught up in who would need me?

530

:

Like, there's already other

people who talk about this same

531

:

topic or that are better at this

than I am or whatever it is.

532

:

It's so scary to like, put your

ripped jeans into the world,

533

:

to go into the church with your

ripped jeans, to show up that way.

534

:

But I, it's so cool to see that, yeah,

there are specific people that need

535

:

what they have to offer in the world.

536

:

Not even like in spite of their

imperfections, but because of their,

537

:

what they think are imperfections.

538

:

, So I, I absolutely love that story

for so many reasons, but I love it.

539

:

Ashlyn Demars: Yeah.

540

:

I was grateful.

541

:

She let me use her story for the

542

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Yeah.

543

:

I love to look at this.

544

:

Jenny Moss, you said her name is?

545

:

Let me go look her up.

546

:

Anything else that you want to share

today that's on your mind, on your heart?

547

:

Ashlyn Demars: Just, I think

there's seasons for everything,

548

:

you know, I don't think I'm not

starting right away on another book.

549

:

It was a big sacrifice.

550

:

I'm both on my part and

on my husband's part.

551

:

He put in a lot of work and sacrifice

and effort to, you know, be the

552

:

parent in the evenings while I

was working and writing the book.

553

:

And so I think recognizing that

there's seasons for everything.

554

:

And if you're in a season where you

can't be fully dedicating yourself

555

:

to one of your dreams, That's okay.

556

:

Just, you know, I, for years took

notes on my phone, especially when

557

:

I was like driving to and from work.

558

:

I was just like, Hey Siri.

559

:

And I blah, blah, blah, blah, you

know, spit out all my thoughts that I

560

:

had, that I knew I wanted to kind of

remember for the book later and and

561

:

then I'd have to go through it and

figure out how to fix all the typos.

562

:

But just knowing that it's okay

that there's different seasons and

563

:

not every season has to be one of

accomplishing a specific big dream.

564

:

Cause you can be working on

other things at the same time.

565

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Yeah.

566

:

And just because you have this dream

doesn't mean you, yeah, you have to

567

:

pursue it right now or have to like, have

this perfect plan towards pursuing it.

568

:

Like you say, like you can take notes

via Siri while you're driving to work.

569

:

Like, it doesn't have to

totally be on the back burner.

570

:

So I, and yeah, I love that.

571

:

And that you're not your accomplishments.

572

:

There are amazing things that

you put out into the world.

573

:

I think we all have that desire to

like, share things with the world

574

:

in whatever version, but that's

not where your worth comes from.

575

:

But I love that.

576

:

So how can people read the book?

577

:

Get, how do they get access to the book?

578

:

Ashlyn Demars: It's on Amazon.

579

:

I just self published through Amazon's

like Kindle publishing section.

580

:

So you can just look it up every

little dandelion on Amazon.

581

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Okay.

582

:

Amazing.

583

:

And I'll link that in the show notes.

584

:

And then if people want to find

you, I'm sure people have questions

585

:

about the process of writing

a book and publishing a book.

586

:

I don't know if you have capacity

to Answer those kinds of questions,

587

:

but where can people find you?

588

:

Ashlyn Demars: Yeah, I'm always happy

I'm, I'm not the expert in any way, shape,

589

:

or form , but I'm always happy to, to

answer any questions or chat with anyone.

590

:

Probably the best place to find me,

I guess, would be Instagram, Ashlyn,

591

:

Barker, DeMars, question mark.

592

:

I don't know what I.

593

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: I'll

find your Instagram and link it

594

:

on in the show notes as well.

595

:

Ashlyn Demars: But I don't,

like, I'm not, I don't have like

596

:

a social media following there.

597

:

So you'd have to like message

me, like, I don't know.

598

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Yeah.

599

:

Yeah.

600

:

Yeah.

601

:

Ashlyn Demars: Everyone's welcome to

message me, but I'm, I'm not like,

602

:

I guess if you wanted to like read

things that I've written in the

603

:

past, my blog link is in my bio.

604

:

Yeah.

605

:

Talk to me.

606

:

Yeah.

607

:

They

608

:

Alex | Mindful with Media: Okay.

609

:

Yeah.

610

:

Actually I have read

some of your blog posts.

611

:

Okay.

612

:

So I'll share your blog

and then Instagram.

613

:

If people want to like ask

you about your experience.

614

:

Amazing.

615

:

Thank you so much.

616

:

I just feel like this is such an

important topic, because like you said

617

:

at the beginning, perfectionism impacts

all of us, whether we know it or not.

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About the Podcast

Mindful with Media
This is the podcast for entrepreneurial moms who want to grow a meaningful, profitable business without sacrificing their other priorities (like spending time with their kids or getting enough sleep).

Host Alex Fales—business coach, mindset mentor, and mom—shares honest conversations, simple strategies, and powerful mindset shifts to help you and make money doing work you love and grow as a person while you're at it.

Expect solo episodes, authentic chats, and real-life stories that help you blend business strategy with personal growth, so you can build a business that supports your life (not the other way around).

Because you don’t need more hustle.
You need clarity, confidence, and the courage to do business your way.