76 | When you're in a hard place emotionally (rerelease)

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I'm Alex, and you're listening to the Mindful with Media podcast.

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Speaker 2: Hey there and

welcome back to the podcast.

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If you are new to my world, you probably

know me more for business coaching and

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mindset and strategy around business,

but I actually started my business in

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the realm of screen time and especially

helping moms and business owners be

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intentional with their phone use.

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so today's episode is actually a rerun

of one of my most popular episodes from,

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I believe it's from October of 2023.

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And that's when I was still very

much heavily focused on helping

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people with their phone use.

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And so it's a little bit more focused

on that, but the principles are

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really applicable to, to all of us

still today about what to do when

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you're in a hard place emotionally.

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So without further ado, we

will get into that episode.

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In a lot of ways.

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Life has felt really heavy lately.

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So today I want to talk about managing

your phone use when you're going

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through a really hard time emotionally.

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I'll be sharing four steps

to use your screens less.

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When you're in a tough place emotionally.

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But Before I share those four steps,

remember to give yourself a lot of grace.

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Using screens to cope is very normal.

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And it doesn't make you a bad person.

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As a human, you are designed

to escape, discomfort.

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And this very characteristic

helps you in so many ways.

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For example, because you are wired

to escape pain and seek comfort.

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This helps you do things like eat when

you're hungry and that keeps you alive.

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And his book.

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In distractible, how to control

your attention and choose your life.

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Uh, near I'll teaches.

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All motivation is a desire

to escape discomfort.

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If a behavior was previously

effective at providing relief.

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We're likely to continue using it

as a tool to escape discomfort.

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And smartphones are really

effective at providing relief.

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So you're likely to continue

to turn to them as an escape.

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Smartphones, provide a rush of dopamine

when you're down, they provide a sense

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of connection when you're lonely.

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They provide stimulation

when you're bored.

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More than anything.

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Phones are really good at distracting you

from the emotional pain you're feeling.

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And your phone is most likely, always

nearby, which makes it especially

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easy to turn to when your body is

doing its job of seeking comfort.

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So when you find yourself turning to

your phone, when you're going through

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a really hard time, emotionally, I

remember that this means that your

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body is doing what it's supposed to do.

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It's seeking comfort, which

is a survival instinct.

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So give yourself a lot of grace as you

work through this emotionally rough time.

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But you've probably noticed that

spending excessive amounts of time

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on your phone, or always turning

to your phone as an escape, doesn't

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seem to help your situation when

you're struggling emotionally.

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So, how can you teach

your body and your mind?

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That this is not the

most helpful response.

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I want to start by sharing

a story about my baby girl.

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When she was about seven months old, she.

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Would sleep mostly through the

night, maybe get up once or twice,

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but on one specific night, She

started waking up every two hours.

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And every time she woke up,

I fed her back to sleep.

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After this happened several times,

my husband asked if maybe she would

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need some medicine or something.

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It had not even crossed my mind to think

about why she was waking up so frequently.

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We gave her some medicine, used

some saline drops and sucked

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the mucous out of her nose.

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And after that she slept so much

better and for a much longer stretch.

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As soon as we got curious about

why she kept waking up, we were

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able to treat the real problem.

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When we're feeling an

uncomfortable emotion.

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Like going through a really

hard time emotionally.

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It's so easy to just numb

it by turning to our phones.

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Just like, it was easy to feed

my baby girl back to sleep.

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But mindlessly turning to your phone,

doesn't actually solve the problem.

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And if we can put in a little bit more

effort to recognize what we're feeling.

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Why we might be feeling it and how to

cope with that feeling in a healthy way.

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Then we can treat the real problem.

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Just like what my daughter really needed

was some relief from her stuffy nose.

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So let's get into how you can cope

with your emotions and healthy ways

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instead of turning to your phone.

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Step one.

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When you're about to turn to a

screen, to escape an emotion.

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Or the more likely scenario is

that you're already on your phone.

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Maybe mindlessly scrolling or.

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Buying things or doing something

that you don't really want

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to be doing on your phone?

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Name the emotion that you're feeling.

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There is so much power and just

identifying what emotion you're feeling.

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That's the very first step.

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And sometimes it's trickier

than I might think.

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To figure out what emotion I'm feeling.

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So writing or talking with someone or

just talking out loud helps me to get

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there, to figure out what I'm feeling.

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The notes app on my phone is filled with

brief journal entries of how I'm feeling.

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I also text my husband all the

time, telling him how I'm feeling.

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With no expectation for him to

respond, but it just helps me

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acknowledge to myself how I'm feeling.

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So in order to name the emotion,

you're feeling, say it out loud, write

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it in the notes app on your phone.

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Texted to someone call someone.

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Just figure out a way to.

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Name, what you're feeling.

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The second step is to recognize

the way that your body physically

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reacts is your heart racing.

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Do you feel tenseness in your chest?

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Are you sick to your stomach?

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Are you having shorter breaths?

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And just allow yourself

to feel the feeling.

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When you have the urge to open your phone.

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Or if you find yourself mindlessly

doing something on your phone.

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Pay attention to the craving.

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What does it feel like in your body?

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What's happening in your mind?

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Just keep observing it.

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You can even put your hand on whatever

body part is feeling the most.

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Tents or off.

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And eventually you might find that.

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It fades away on its own.

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It's like riding a wave.

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The third step is to ask yourself,

What is this emotion trying to

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communicate to me right now?

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Maybe you're feeling overwhelmed.

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. And that might be communicating to

you that you have too many demands.

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Maybe you're feeling lonely.

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And that might be communicating

to you that you want to be loved

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and you want to love other people.

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Maybe you feel embarrassed and

that might be communicating to you

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that you care about other people.

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Give yourself a lot of compassion as you

allow yourself to just feel the feeling.

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To feel overwhelmed, to

feel sad, to feel lonely.

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To feel embarrassed, to feel scared.

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To feel, whatever it is.

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I want to note that sitting

with uncomfortable emotions

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takes a lot of practice.

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I don't think anybody is perfect at this.

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It's so easy to think that something

is wrong when we're feeling

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these uncomfortable emotions.

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But it actually means your

brain is working correctly.

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You're supposed to want to be loved.

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You're supposed to care about people

you're supposed to yearn for things.

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You're supposed to.

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Miss people or feel the sadness of loss.

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The fourth and final step is to

ask yourself what you can do in

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that moment to meet your need

instead of escape to your phone.

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So turning to your phone can actually

be one of your coping tools, but

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it should be a small percentage.

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And you need a healthier

coping mechanism to replace.

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Turning to your phone.

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If that's been your primary

coping tool in the past.

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So after allowing yourself

to feel the emotion.

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You find out what you can do in

that moment to meet your need

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instead of escaping to your phone.

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If you were feeling overwhelmed, it

might be best to reach out and ask

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for help or to let go of something.

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Or maybe you could break down the

task that you're supposed to do.

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Into super tiny task and

start with just one of them.

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Or maybe you could set a timer and

just work on whatever you're feeling

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overwhelmed about for five minutes.

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Or maybe you could have a little

dance party for yourself every

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time you do one teeny tiny thing.

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Or maybe if you were feeling lonely,

It might be best for you to seek

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connection in this moment, whether

that's seeking connection with other

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people or seeking connection with God.

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Or even seeking connection with yourself.

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So maybe you could do that by

doing something creative, like

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playing an instrument or painting.

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Some other things that you could

do in the moment, depending on

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what emotion you're feeling.

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And what that emotion needs from you.

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You could take a nap, listen to

your favorite music, read a book,

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journal, paint, play an instrument.

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Do some deep breathing.

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Move your body.

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Go on a walk, do five jumping jacks.

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Listen to a podcast.

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Take a cold shower.

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Rub ice on your neck.

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Hold a cold compress to your face.

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Go outside and feel

your feet on the ground.

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Smell the fresh air.

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Name five colors.

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You can see.

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Go outside and feel the

grass with your hands.

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Call a friend cuddle your child.

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Repeat out loud.

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I am capable of handling

this uncomfortable feeling.

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Use insight timer to do a meditation.

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The possibilities are endless of

things you could do in the moment.

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To meet the need that

your emotion is trying to.

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To get from you.

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And if you want more practical tips

to help, when you are specifically

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feeling overwhelmed, bored, or lonely,

listen to episode 14 of the podcast.

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Where I interview Leslie Alder.

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It's episode 14 and it's

called why you keep looking

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at your phone and how to stop.

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And she shares some really practical

tips for the specific emotions of

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being overwhelmed, bored, or lonely.

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If you're listening to this

and going through a hard time

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emotionally, I'm really sorry.

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Don't beat yourself up for turning

to your phone as an escape.

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Remember that your brain and body

are doing their job of trying

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to escape pain and seek comfort.

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But that there are also other

ways to find true deep comfort.

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That's not only temporary.

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And that's by allowing yourself to

feel hard emotions so that they can

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communicate important information to you.

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The steps that we talked about today

that will help you use screens less when

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you're going through a really hard time,

emotionally, our first name, the emotion.

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If you're about to turn to your

phone as an escape, or if you realize

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that you're numbing an emotion.

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While you're on your phone.

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Then put in words, the emotion you're

feeling, you might have to journal or

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talk to someone or text someone or talk

out loud to yourself or your kids to

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figure out what you're actually feeling.

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Step two was to recognize the

way your body physically reacts.

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Take time to identify where the

urge is coming from in your body.

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What sensations do you feel?

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You can even touch those parts of your

body Step three was to identify what the

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emotion might be trying to communicate

to you Be super compassionate towards

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yourself as you realize that this emotion

is probably highlighting some important

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information It could be highlighting

that you have a lot on your plate or

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That you're the kind of person that

really cares about people And the fourth

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and final step was to choose one thing

that you can do in that moment instead

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of escape to your phone How you respond

to your emotion will depend on what

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emotion you're feeling But i like having

a few go-to things that i can do when

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i'm having a hard time like go on a

walk take a nap or call my sister And

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you could even put a few coping ideas

somewhere you can see like on your fridge

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or on the lock screen of your phone

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We're in this together and i'm here

for you I hope you have a wonderful

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week and i'll talk to you next week